


Masquerade

by ollie_oxen_free



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Everyone Has Issues, M/M, blue has issues, but not the collectable kind the sad kind, razz has issues, really tells ya something about me, this is gay, waxing poetic, yet somehow there's still shitty jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-11-14 18:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11213691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ollie_oxen_free/pseuds/ollie_oxen_free
Summary: Everyone could always do better, but not everyone wanted to be better. Not everyone tried to be better.





	1. i'm

**Author's Note:**

> looking at the present's fucking sad [x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGMA7X3BwnM)

Blue had always expected the best from everyone. Not in the “if you don’t do perfect on everything then I’m disappointed” kind of way, but more in the “I know everyone can be better and do better” way. There was always room for everyone to improve in everything that they did, be it a hobby, an instrument, or something more serious and pressing. Even the worst person can change, if they really felt so inclined. It sounded like something off of a motivational plaque, but he believed it wholeheartedly.

That was probably part of the reason why everyone saw him as so childish. He had a short stature, a cute face, and though his armor was both cool and functional, he knew that there was something irrevocably childlike about it that only furthered the notion. It stung when he thought about it, so he usually stuck the thought in the back of his mind, ignoring the nagging probes that everything he did only made him seem like a kid.

None of this changed his beliefs, though. And none of his beliefs were as immature as everyone thought them to be. Everyone could do better, if they wanted, but the thing was that not everyone wanted to be better. And Blue understood that. There was cruelty out there beyond measure, and pretending like everyone would just automatically change in a day, that within hours every problem would be solved and the world would be a perfect place, was ignorant. Everyone could always do better, but not everyone wanted to be better. Not everyone tried to be better.

This lack of trying was somehow more dangerous than the lack of want, in his opinion. There was a difference between not having or wanting any good in yourself and ignoring said good in the favor of doing what was easier. Giving up on being better.

Alternate versions of him and his brother had dropped into their living room during movie night not long ago- universes colliding and dropping off random individuals was apparently a normal occurrence- and they had taken up residence inside their house. One was fairly similar to their own (he had no idea how any version of himself could ever think puns were an acceptable form of humor, though his Papyrus enjoyed the company) and the other two were the same but more violent. Such was expressed when the four attacked them because they found themselves in a strange place. The fighting had died down, after a while, especially when it was explained that they meant no harm and that there were such things as alternate universes.

The violence remained, though, seeming ingrained into them by their universes. Holding onto his beliefs wasn’t easy when he had found them being challenged upright. Though Blue supposed that such was the way with most morals, and he remained steadfast, noting even the slightest changes in any of them with pride and joy. 

Everyone could be better if they tried.

And maybe that was why he had found himself so intent on helping out this other him. Razz, as he had been dubbed, had stopped trying. Of course, Blue would never say that to his face, would never say that to any of the other’s faces, so he just kept it to himself. But as the thought continued to sit, it continued to grow roots, embedding itself stronger so that it started to grow. 

Sure, Blue had tried to ignore the idea, cut it down to the ground almost completely after he had seen what seemed like pure glee as Razz had fought another monster, coming very close to dusting them. They’d all stopped him, of course, jumping in and holding him back as Papyrus had helped the monster get away, and Razz had stopped fighting them back, seeming bored as he listened to their chides.

The idea had been dismissed almost completely after that incident- though he had still hoped the other would become less violent as time went on- until he had caught the other sitting on the ground in waterfall, staring up at the lights that were embedded in the ceiling of the caverns. Hardly noticeable at all if that hadn’t been Blue’s own favorite spot to look at the lights, and where he had been going in the first place. Everyone from the Fell universes prided themselves on being “sneaky” and well-versed in a fight and such, so Blue had decided to pretend like he hadn’t noticed the other to save his pride, walking past and deciding to go to Alphys’ house. It had been a while since he had visited her outside of training, so he decided that it wouldn’t matter. He had nearly tripped over his own boots, however, when he saw the way that Razz was looking at him.

It wasn’t his normal, haughty gaze, nor was it his confident sneer that he would use when mocking someone. It was small, and it was blank, and it was tired. For a moment, Blue had mistaken it for pity, but he immediately wiped that to the back of his mind. No, no he  _ knew _ what pity looked like on someone’s face underneath of almost every emotion, seen it enough times when coming home from “training” with Alphys and “human hunting” with Papyrus that he could pick it out easily enough. There was no pity in his look. Some sadness, and some anger, but none of it seeming directed at Blue.

For a moment, he saw the expression mirrored in his own face, reflected from the moments where he would stand in front of the bathroom mirror, leaning forward and clutching the edges of the sink, looking over his face, himself with disgust because of  _ course _ Alphys would never let him into the guard and everyone would always treat him as a child when he looked like this all the time, and he would consider just giving up and slipping entirely into the mask of the happy-go-lucky little brother (though he was the older one, dammit) just so that he wouldn’t have to worry about trying and failing ever again.

And then he understood. 

Razz had given up.

And it made sense, unfortunately enough. Every Sans had given up in some aspect, as he had come to learn, and it seemed like they all wore some kind of mask, that they all hid behind some twisted persona that made things easier for themselves. And this thought, small as it was, became near deadly the more that he thought about it. Razz had been looking at him when the expression crossed his face. Blue himself was far from perfect, but he had learned during more than one night of dragging Sans and Red home when they had been out drinking far too late that he was seen as somehow…

The epitome of what could have been. And he hated it, he really did, that they would put this kind of pressure and guilt on him for something that he had no control of, but in a way he understood. He felt the same about them, sometimes. He was motivated and he was kind, yes, but in no way was he well-respected, or seen as anything other than some toddler that…

They’d all been trapped in their own loathing for so long that they never expected anything of the like from their own lives, instead looking up and seeing what they wanted in others, burrowing down and hiding further in their contempt at themselves.

…

Regardless, Razz had looked at him in a way that showed guilt, anger, and, above all, a self-loathing that was strong enough to leave a bitter taste in his mouth the more that he thought about it. Fell, Red, and Slim had all shown similar expressions of remorse when something in them shifted and they started trying to be better. For some reason, no one had expected the same thing of Razz. He knew the feeling of not having anyone expect something great from you, and it left a hard pang of sympathy in his gut.

And as Blue had passed the hiding spot he stopped, turning and looking into the mass of echo flowers that hid him from view. They met eyes, and he saw a sliver of fear spark in the other’s gaze before it dropped, his arms coming down from where he had them gripping his legs and casually propping behind himself, one of the legs sliding to lay flat on the ground and his face shifting into a bored expression, like he hadn’t just been curled into a fetal position moments before. Blue wanted to go over there and help, to talk and ease the facade down again, but it wasn’t the time and it wasn’t the place. So he did what he had come to do whenever it seemed like someone was searching him closely. 

His cheerfully unconcerned persona always caused a stab of hurt and annoyance in his soul, but he pushed it back like always. He smiled so wide that it hurt his cheeks, eyelights glowing as he rocked forward onto the toes of his feet, his hand coming up in an exaggerated wave to the bushes. Then he turned away, walking with an exaggerated skip in his step towards Alphys’ house, his devil-may-care attitude not preventing him from feeling the stare following him until he turned the corner.

As soon as he was out of the other’s view he relaxed his walk, looking up at the crystals on the ceiling of the cavern as he walked. The soft burble of water was calming, which is why he usually came here, and he waved to the small duck as he walked past them, forgoing the ride they were offering in preference to take the way by foot to clear his head. As he walked a faint cracking sound was heard, a small piece of crystal dropping to the ground in front of him. He stopped, looking at it before he bent and picked it up, turning the softly glowing rock over in his hands.

He wanted to help the other but… He had no idea where to even begin. If there was only one thing he knew about Fellverse monsters, it was that they were less than open with their emotions, and there was no way that he could just go up and try to talk to the other about it. Even if they were more emotionally open, he wouldn’t know how to go about that in the first place. Just walk up and say “hey, I’ve noticed that you’ve given up and hate something about yourself, me too! Weird right? Anyways wanna talk about that?” Blue groaned, glaring at the crystal in his hands before he turned around, throwing it into some nearby grass as hard as possible. He would have kept walking were it not for a hollow thunk and a loud curse. 

He started, turning and looking into the grass with shock. There was a rustle of the leaves and Razz stood, rubbing his forehead as he fixed Blue with a glare. When Blue said nothing he scoffed, taking his hand off of his forehead to cross his arms, revealing an already darkening mark above his left eye, a few inches away from the dual scratches down his face. Blue tried not to wince as he realized that it would likely leave a bruise. 

“Sorry about… That.” He looked away from the glare before realizing something, narrowing his eyes and looking back. “Wait, were you following me?”

Razz sputtered, looking away. “Why the fuck would I be following you?”

“Uh, I don’t know, why don't you tell me since you were following me!?”

Razz lifted his shoulders up to his chin, looking defensive and, maybe, a bit embarrassed? Of course, Blue would be embarrassed too if he got caught spying on someone. “I wasn’t spying-! Why would I-?!” Blue lifted an eyebrow, and this only seemed to further the other’s embarrassment. “Fuck you! I was just! Looking at the grass.”

The silence after was slightly tense as they stared at each other. Blue shifted his weight a bit, trying not to let the other’s glare unnerve him. It was fairly easy, considering his “excuse” and the purple flush on his face that continued to darken as the silence stretched on. Razz huffed. “Besides,  _ you _ were the one staring at me with that… that face!” Blue blinked a few times before looking away in embarrassment of his own. “And then you…” He waved a hand around violently, as if the motion would help him find the words that he was looking for. Blue had never seen the other so out of sorts. “You pulled the cheery smile out of your ass and started prancing around! The hell was that about?!”

Blue stared at him blankly before he snickered, smiling widely and clasping his hands in front of himself in excitement as he hopped up and down on the balls of his feet, his eyelights turning into stars. “What are you talking about, Razzy?” He fell into laughter as the other sputtered angrily at the nickname of his nickname.

“See! That!” He quieted down a bit, and Blue stopped laughing, though amusement still lifted the corners of his mouth. “You did that after you looked at me with…”  He shook his head after the furrow of his brows twitched, like he was trying to shake out whatever thought popped into his head. The scowl came back, but there wasn’t any real anger behind it as usual. “Why did you look at me like that.”

Blue opened his mouth before he closed it with a click, watching as Razz stared at him with an unreadable expression. What was he supposed to say to that? Saying anything along the lines of what he had been thinking earlier would just get him punched in the face, but if he kept quiet then…

He would probably still get punched in the face.

There was no good way out of this, so he decided to just go for broke. “Why were you looking at  _ me _ like you were?”

Razz tensed at the question before the scowl returned full force and he turned on his heel, stalking away. Blue watched as he turned the corner, the clicking of his boots against the stone slowly fading as he got further and further away until the only sound left was the soft burble of water. He sighed, going to the edge of the path and sitting cross-legged, facing the water. He didn’t feel like going to Alphys’ now.

He cupped a gloved hand, reaching down to scoop up some of the water and letting it sit in his palm, not able to soak through the waterproof cloth. When he was younger, he had taken a large jug with him to Waterfall all the way from the capitol, letting it fill up before he took it out, excited to cart the glowing water back to his room to use as a light. When he’d lifted it up, however, he’d discovered that the water itself wasn’t what glowed, instead being the crystals of the cavern that it reflected its light from.

He smiled at the memory as he picked himself up with a small sigh, starting to walk away before he remembered the small crystal he had hurled into the grass. It wasn’t everyday that a piece of crystal fell from the caverns- in fact, it was rare enough that any chips that did fall could be sold for a fairly hefty price- and he decided to find it. Not to sell it, of course, but to hold it with him. The lights were soothing, and carrying the stone around would be therapeutic. He stepped over to the brush, pushing aside the tall blades as he searched for the rock, but came up with nothing.

He took his hands away, letting the grass fall back into place with a small sigh. Razz must have pocketed it after he had been hit in the face with it. Blue couldn’t really blame him for that- even though it had been entirely an accident- and he continued walking home. As he passed by the spot where he usually stared at the crystals he stopped, looking at where Razz had been sitting moments earlier.

On the ground, barely visible behind the glowing stems of the echoflowers but still holding a distinct light all itself, was the crystal that had fallen, propped up against one of the flowers. He bent to pick it up, listening as the flowers whispered back the slightest hint of words, breathy and sorrowful, and nearly impossible to make out. The voice was clear enough to make out, though: a scratchy baritone not far from his own.

_ I wish... _

He waited for more, but that seemed to be all that the flowers had heard and were able to repeat and he sighed. “Wish for what?”

“Right now? For you to stop talking to yourself like an insane person.” Blue yelped, jumping forward and trampling the flowers accidentally, the few stems that remained unbroken repeating his startled shout over and over again in mockery. Razz was standing behind him, arms crossed and a blank look on his face.

Blue huffed, the heat from adrenaline still on his face as he glared at the other. “Stop sneaking up on people!” The other continued to stare at him, expressionless, and he shifted on his feet in discomfort. “What do you want?” Still no response. Blue crossed his arms, mirroring Razz’s posture, indignant. “Listen, you left the stone on the ground, so it’s mine now. Sorry I hit you, but finder’s keeper’s and all that.”

“It’s because you’re perfect.” 

Blue blinked a few times at the out of context statement. “What?”

Razz lifted his head a bit, the expressionless look still on his face, though there was a tightness in his jaw that made him seem almost defensive, even though his stance was still relaxed. “The reason why I was staring at you.” He wrinkled his nose. “Happy now?”

Blue looked at him incredulously, shaking his head with a shocked laugh. “Listen, I’m… I’m  _ far _ from perfect.”

Razz groaned, rolling his eyes. “Fine. You’re not perfect. You’re just so,” he waved his hand, a disgusted sort of look on his face as he gestured at Blue, “ _ good. _ ” He spat out the word like it tasted awful, and Blue was taken aback.

“Thank you?”

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

Blue reached down, sticking his hands in his pocket, the crystal still held in one of his hands. “I didn’t think so.”

There was a moment of silence. Then, “Well?”

Blue looked around himself, then back to Razz. “‘Well’, what?”

Razz growled lowly, and Blue had to force himself not to take a half-shuffle back. “Why were  _ you _ looking at  _ me _ ?” Ah, how the tables turn. “That’s how this emotion shit is supposed to work! I told you why I was looking at you, so you tell me why you were looking at me like-” Blue watched as Razz stiffened at the words, catching himself before he could voice his thoughts.

“Like what, Razz?”

He shook his head. “No. Nope, not gonna happen.” He stilled, looking up at Blue in anger. “You’re doing this shit. Not me.”

Blue watched him for a few moments, the quiet gurgle of water barely audible as the flowers at their feet repeated soft fragments of their conversation. “Because you can do better.”

Razz blinked, the shocked look falling off his face as he clearly didn’t expect such a response. “I can what now?”

He spoke louder, confidence lacing his words. “Because I think you can do better. If you just try.”

Razz stared at him for a few moments before he barked out a laugh, his mouth pulled harshly into a grin and his eyes tight. “God, is that it?” Another sharp laugh. The flowers took it up, a chorus of harsh, disbelieving cackles. “And here I was thinking that the happy-go-lucky act was just that: an act. Turns out, you really are that naive of a bitch!”

Blue stood in shock for a few moments before his face pulled into a hard frown, taking a firm step forwards. “And just what is so childish about thinking that everyone can be good!?”

The grin turned down at the edges, tinged with- sadness? It was gone as quickly as it came, turning back into a sneer. “Because it’s dangerous and foolish!” Razz took a few steps forward himself, coming closer to Blue and jabbing a finger into his chest. “You look at the irredeemable world, at every horrible and wrong thing in everyone, and you see hope! That’s going to be your downfall.” Blue was still taller than the other, despite the fact that he was wearing three-inch heels, and he found it hard to feel threatened despite the angry, hateful intent rolling off Razz in waves. He didn’t back down, sensing that it wasn’t entirely directed at himself.

Or maybe he really was as foolish as the other claimed.

“So you think that you’re ‘horrible and wrong’?”

Razz stopped, backing away a half step and fixing him with a cold glare. “That’s not what I meant.”

“You implied it though.”

His sneer turned down more, angry. “Who the fuck cares! Are you saying that I’m not?!”

Blue stroked his thumb over the stone, pressing on the sharper edges. “I’m not childish, you know.”

He watched as the anger on Razz’s face relaxed for a moment before coming back as if it were never gone. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

He pressed against the edge of the stone harder, relaxing his pressure before moving it so it was sitting in the palm of his hand, closing his fingers around it. “I know there isn’t good in everyone. I know that not everyone wants to be better. But…” He held Razz’s gaze for a few moments. The expression on his face was hard and unreadable. Blue looked away. “You wish you were better. Don’t you?”

And that was the moment he knew he had struck something, had rung some kind of chord in the other that resonated in his bones. He could physically see it some, though the expression on his face didn’t change, in the barest quiver of his eyelights as the edges became muddy, and it in slight twitch in of his shoulder, like he was trying to curl in on himself. The biggest tell, though, was the aura he was emitting. 

Their whole conversation had shown Razz as being defensive and, occasionally, sparking up with anger in preparation to lash out. He didn’t, physically- which honestly counted for something in Blue’s opinion- but his words had shown that edge of anger to them. Now though?

There was the anger. There was the fear.

It was small, and wretched, and unsure, but of  _ course  _ it was if anything that the other Fell-verse monsters had told him was to go by, because any fear, any weakness that was shown was taken advantage of and wrenched out of their control, being using for manipulation or worse. And the true depth of the situation wasn’t lost on Blue, of course. For Razz to not immediately try to attack him over the chink in the armor that he’d seen was more trust than the other had ever shown anyone aside from his brother, and even then their capacity for emotional conduct was strained at best.Then again, Razz had to know that Blue was one of the most tightly-knit ones in the group, and any actions taken against him would lead to ruin from more than one of the others. 

The question was which one was the reason for his lack of lashing out.

And then the fear was gone, shuttled away to some far off place and locked away with no key. “What I wish doesn’t matter.”

Blue thought over that for a few moments, pulling the crystal piece out of his pocket and looking down at the teal glow. He turned it over in his palm before looking up at Razz, tossing it underhand to the other. He caught it without moving his gaze from Blue.

Blue held the stare. “You’re right. Wishing won’t get you anywhere.” He put his hands in his pockets. He was still watching the other closely. “It’s what you  _ do _ that really matters.”

Razz looked away, eyes flickering to the ground and the gloved hand that was holding the stone tightened minutely. “I’m not having this conversation.” He turned on his heel and left, crystal still clutched in his hand.

Blue watched him go for the second time that day.

_ “And here I was thinking that the happy-go-lucky act was just that: an act.” _

They really were a lot more similar than he would care to admit.

 


	2. going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> talking is a lot more difficult than you thought it would be, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not really the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGH-qi3Y9JM) for this chapter, but i was listening to this on repeat for the time it took me to write most of this just bc i like the song

He wasn’t an idiot. Blue knew that he had to give the other time to see if he would come to him. Just rushing up and attempting to start the conversation himself meant that Razz would shove him away, angry that he would bring up any type of “weakness” (even if there was no reason to be so on guard in Underswap, he understood that throwing someone so accustomed to a different situation out on the equivalent of open sea wasn’t the best of plans). No, Blue would give him time to think about it and let the other come to talk to him when he was ready.

He still made it clear he cared, of course. He would go up, talk to Razz about a puzzle or trap that he was working on- ignoring the dismissive comments and rude tone- and always was polite. One time, when all eight of them were gathered around and talking, as they had started doing fairly often, he had actually sided with Razz in an argument. Everyone seemed shocked, and it would have been funny if Razz hadn’t immediately pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against, walking out of the house without a look back at anyone. The conversation took a few jerky starts before it flowed smoothly like it had been earlier, but Blue couldn’t really find himself joining in with the others as usual. Maybe he was trying to push it too fast? That made sense. Going at it and trying to immediately get the other to open up to him was surely bound to push him away further.

But then days turned into a week. Blue’s soul aspect was patience, of course, so he could stand a wait if that’s what it took for the other to feel comfortable coming up to him. Sometimes all you could do was wait. And then weeks turned into a month. And Blue got tired of waiting. He was patient, yes, but he wasn’t a fool, and he knew that at this point waiting would only ruin any chances of him being able to help Razz at all.

Since the others had started living with him and his brother, Blue had come to learn a lot about Razz’s different habits and rituals. Some of them were small and barely noticeable- and he really hadn’t noticed most of them until he had started watching the other’s actions closely, waiting to see if there would be some kind of change- so he knew that the best time to be able to talk to the other alone was in the morning.

_ Early _ in the morning.

He stared at the faint glow-in-the-dark stars that dotted the ceiling right above his bed, listening to the quiet snores of Stretch where he was sprawled on the floor. Sans was flopped over on top of him, arm thrown over his eyes and chest rising and falling slowly, and Papyrus was curled at the foot of his bed, wrapped around whatever covers and pillows he could fit in his arm span. Which was also a reason why Blue was awake. 

He sat up as he heard the quiet creak of the front door, twisting so that his sock-covered feet landed on the floor softly, walking quietly across the room to grab his boots. Stretch and Sans had both fallen asleep reading a story to them again, so navigating in the dark was a bit difficult when they were haphazardly strewn on the floor. Then again, he knew from personal experience that waking either one of those two up was next to impossible. Getting them to sleep, however, had been an entirely different story.

Napping was no big deal for either one of them, and they normally would have had no issue with going to sleep while reading, but… Blue had decided that the best way for him to be able to get out of the house in time to catch Razz on one of his early-morning excursions was to just sleep in his armor. Unfortunately, this had caused more than a bit of suspicion on Stretch’s end. Blue  _ never _ slept in his armor or day clothes, so the change in habit wasn’t lost on him. Blue had just put on his best innocent face as he clasped his hands in front of himself, grinning widely and saying something along the lines of having had dreams about almost catching a human, and being sure of the fact that wearing his armor in real life would motivate his dream self enough to capture them in his sleep.

The speed at which his brother had accepted his explanation- along with the patronizing chuckle and pitying grin- hurt, but it was fine. That just made it easier for himself to be able to go out this morning. 

He grabbed the boots that were set up by his bedroom door, opening it slowly and then shutting it slowly behind him, the door clicking into place softly. Blue let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding once the wood of the door had formed a barrier between him and the others, turning around and going to tiptoe down the stairs. Near the bottom he stopped, taking in a deep breath before he jumped the last two steps- the ones that always creaked, no matter how much he tried to fix them- and landed on the carpeted floor with a soft pat. He waited for a few seconds, crouched, before he stood again, walking with less stealth to the front door. 

Blue stopped by the coat hanger to the left, slipping on both of his boots and looking in the mirror by the door at his reflection. It was hard to make out anything in the dim lighting, but he could still see the silhouette of himself, and he reached up to adjust his bandana. With a final exhale, he turned from the mirror and slid the lock off the door. 

He jumped when he heard a quiet voice from behind himself. “And where are you going?”

Blue turned to look over his shoulder sheepishly, hand still holding onto the doorknob. Fell was standing, one of his hips cocked to the side as he looked at the other with disinterest. He felt stupid for a split second, because of  _ course _ Fell would be awake at the same time as Razz- Papyrus and himself shared similar sleeping habits- or at the very least, his movements had woken the other up. Blue shifted his fingers, adjusting his grip on the knob. “I’m going for a… walk?”

Fell stayed silent, simply looking over his posture. Blue looked away from

his gaze. Fell had a habit of being able to tell when someone was lying, and when someone was keeping the entire truth from him, and he had a feeling that such a talent was being used on him right now. He looked back up to the gaze focused on him, offering a pleading one of his own. Blue’s eyes flicked to his bedroom upstairs before switching back to the taller. “Don’t tell Papyrus?”

Fell stared for a moment before giving a small nod, his features softening the slightest bit. Blue let out a shaky breath, less nervous all of a sudden, and gave a thankful smile- to which Fell responded with a roll of his eyes and a slight twitch at the corner of his mouth that Blue had come to understand meant that he was trying not to smile.

He turned back to the door, feeling more confident than he had before, and opened it, squinting a bit in the frigid Snowdin air as he left the house, shutting the door softly behind him. He took a few steps out into the snow, holding one of his hands up over his eyes to keep the flurries out of his face. Blue turned his head down to look at the ground, trying to see if there were any footprints on the ground from Razz. The snow was clear, fresh, with no footprints visible. He let out a loud sigh as he realized that the falling snow would have erased any tracks that were on the ground.

He would just have to pick a direction and start walking. Blue looked up down the path through Snowdin that led to the forest and then over at the path that led to the Waterfall caverns. If Razz was leaving this early, then maybe it was to stare at the crystals? With a hopeful air, Blue turned and started to walk to the caves. He stopped in his tracks, foot raised in the air, as he heard his front door open. Fell wouldn’t have told, would he? Or maybe Stretch had woken up and seen that Blue was gone? 

His worries weren’t abated when Fell stepped out, but he did place his foot back in the snow, looking at him with worry. Fell noticed the look and raised an eyebrow in annoyance. His hand came up and he pointed down the Snowdin path. “Razz went that way.” 

Blue blinked a few times before he grinned sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. He supposed it was fairly obvious why he had been going out since it was so soon after Razz left, but it still was a bit embarrassing to be called out. Blue turned, starting to walk the way that Fell had pointed when the other stopped him. “Be careful around him.”

Blue gave a small grin. “Don’t worry. He won’t hurt me.” Fell didn’t seem too sure of that fact, but didn’t push it, giving another small nod before going back into the house. Blue kept walking forward. All the Papyruses cared deeply about their brothers, whether they would admit it or not, and that caring tended to extend across the universes to other versions of their siblings. Though, in this case, Blue had a feeling the warning had less to do with a protective brother instinct and more to do with the fact that Fell was most similar to Razz.

Blue gave a small sigh as he walked through the town. It was far too early for anyone to really be awake, so the normally bright town was dark: the lights that would flow welcomingly from the shop windows switched off, and the Christmas lights that were strung between the stores were unplugged. Even Muffet’s, which he was so used to seeing lit up in purple, laughter coming from the door whenever it would swing open, was closed, and the sight made him uneasy. At least the large tree in the center of the town was still lit up. Blue smiled as he walked past the warm light, looking at the few presents that were set on the bottom. All were marked with large stickers saying “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL GRYFTMAS!”

He circled the tree once due to habit (when he was younger, he would always walk a circle around the large fir to search for presents for himself under the tree, and at this point he just continued to do it because of habit) before he kept going down the trail. Beside the shop was the indent in the ground from where the bunny lady would walk her little brother. No matter how much it snowed, the spot in the snow never seemed to go away. Blue adjusted his bandana around his neck as he walked past the sign welcoming travelers to Snowdin, looking over the worn wood and faded paint fondly. He really needed to see if one of the cats or bunnies would be up for repainting it soon. 

The snow surprisingly became more sparse as he walked away from the town, the large trees casting shadows with what little light that the cavern was giving off. The snow eventually stopped completely, and Blue searched the ground for tracks after he walked past his ice switch puzzle. He saw some indents and, after further inspection, gave a hum when he realized they were Razz’s. The other’s heeled boots left rather distinctive marks in the snow. He tilted his head in confusion as he saw that they veered off to the left but shrugged, following them anyways.

It led him to the area where Gyftrot would usually walk around, meandering blindly if more kids decorated them. Blue would often come down and help undecorate, but a lot of the teens enjoyed throwing decorations on the anxious, distrusting monster, so his help never really lasted. He walked down the trail to the mysterious door, looking at the looming wall of stone beside him. At the foot of it was some tinsel, torn and tattered. Blue walked over and picked it up, looking around the area for Gyftrot, but furrowing his brow when he came up with nothing. Though, if the other monster had managed to rub the tinsel off up against the wall of stone, then Blue supposed they wouldn’t stay any longer than they had to. He put the trash in his inventory before he kept walking.

He stopped as he came to the entrance to the mystery door, looking around the edges of it before taking a quiet step forward. Nothing. He leaned forwards into the small cave and whispered quietly. “Razz?” His voice echoed off the walls, and sounded a lot louder than it would have in the snow-muted air. There was no way that the other wouldn’t have heard his voice. Was Razz just ignoring him? Blue wouldn’t be surprised, since that was all that he had been doing since their conversation in Waterfall.

He entered the cave, fully intending to find Razz whether he wanted it or not, but a search around the cave showed that there was no one there. He huffed at the mysterious door, giving the bottom of it a light kick with his boots in frustration. The motion turned up a few pebbles at his feet, causing one to roll over and tap a mushroom in the corner. The glowing light of it went off, and Blue blinked in the dimmer room before sighing, exiting the cave.

Maybe he had been mistaken?? Razz may not have come this way. He sighed and looked out over the edge of the cliff as he exited, eyes trailing over the scenery. There was a small cabin at the bottom of the drop off, and a thin trail of smoke could be seen drifting lazily up from the chimney. Going to look for Razz probably wasn’t the best idea, since there was no way that Blue would ever be able to find him if he didn’t want to be found. He crossed his arms, looking away from the small cabin before trudging back the way that he came.

As he walked, he looked into the cluster of trees that were by the area, giving a startled yelp when he saw two sharp, purple lights following him. Razz raised an eyebrow at his reaction, pushing himself off of the tree he was leaning against and taking a step out into the cleared path. Blue furrowed his brow at the action- just how long had the other been standing swavely against the tree waiting for Blue to notice him?- and Razz scoffed, eyes narrowing.

“Why the hell were you following me?”

Blue sniffed. “Because I wanted to talk to you!”

Razz snorted, fixing him with an annoyed deadpan. “Congratulations. We’re talking. Now if you would kindly leave me the fuck alone, then that would be great. I have no interest in talking to you  _ at all _ .”

Blue resisted the urge to stamp his foot at the other’s lack of concern in his voice. “That’s not what I meant!”

“Well then, by all means, tell me what you  _ actually _ meant,” he taunted, the goading sneer on his face that was held so often. Blue shifted in place as his hands came back up to tug at the bandana knotted around his neck. He’d found Razz, but aside from saying that the two of them were going to talk, he didn’t have much in the way of plans for conversation. Razz picked up on his uncertainty and let out a quick laugh, the smirk on his face widening. 

“You don’t even know, do you?” Razz uncrossed his arms and used one to gesture at the area around them with another scoff. “You followed me all the way out here- very obviously, I might add, since I heard you stomping around in the snow all the way from Snowdin- to talk about some kind of  _ feelings _ bullshit when I honestly don’t give a fuck about anything that you could even bring up!” His leering tone caused Blue to puff up in indignation, hands coming down from his bandana to clench at his sides.

“ _ Actually, _ ” Blue spat, angrily, and god he didn’t think he was capable of sounding or looking threatening, but the way that Razz tensed up at his voice made him the slightest bit satisfied. That’s what he got for being such a… a  _ jerk _ about him only trying to talk! “I came out here to ask you what you were doing up every morning at ungodly hours, when every  _ sane _ monster is in bed, asleep!”

Razz clenched his jaw, teeth setting into place alongside one another with a click. “I was checking on my traps and puzzles.”

“We usually do that as a group.” Blue tilted his head, looking around the area suspiciously. “Besides, we don’t have any puzzles down here!”

Razz flinched, but as soon as the motions happened, it was gone, replaced with an angry snarl that was apparently his go-to expression. “Oh, why the fuck do you even care?” Blue opened his mouth to retort, but stopped when he saw that Razz wasn’t paying attention to him, focused on the ground and staring angrily at the snow as if personally offended. “Why don’t you just go back to your perfect little dollhouse in your sugar-sweet little world and play pretend that everything will be okay and turn out  _ perfectly fine _ if you just smile your dumbass little grin and prance about like there’s not a care in the fucking world!”

“...I thought you said that you didn’t want to talk, because that sounded like a whole lot of talking right there.” One of Razz’s eyes twitched, and Blue realized that maybe that wasn’t the smartest decision for him to make right after the other got done telling him off.

Razz took a threatening step forward, a spark of magic in his socket arcing from his pupil to the edges of the cracks in his eye. “Don’t even fucking start with me, Blue.” Blue was startled for a few seconds at the sentence but couldn’t figure out why. That is, not until he realized that it was the first time that Razz had ever referred to him directly by name. “You don’t even know how good you have it in this pastel  _ nightmare _ of a universe.” The other’s magical aura was shifting far too much for him to detect anything solid, and it died down after a few seconds, becoming too obscure for him to read.

It was that  _ look _ again, and god had it been awhile since he had seen anything other than the angry sneer on the other’s face, but there was no way that Blue would forget the look like that. It was… broken wasn’t the right word for it, because there was so much strength behind it. Weary? Bitter? It was nearly impossible to read, and Blue found himself wishing, not for the first time, that he could read minds.

“I get it. I do.” Razz narrowed his eyes, taking in a breath- to yell again, probably- but Blue continued speaking before the other got a chance to interrupt him. “And, yeah, I’ll never actually  _ get it, _ I’ll never really understand what you’ve been through since I’ve never gone through the likes myself, but  _ god, _ ” he brought his hand down from where it was rubbing the corner of his bandana, using it to sweep across the area in emphasis, “I’m trying to understand as best I can, and I’m trying to help!”

“You can’t change what happened in the past.” His mumbled statement wasn’t directed at Blue like he had first thought. Instead it seemed like it had been repeated many times: a mantra of apathy. And god if this tired look didn’t suit the other’s confident demeanor.

“You’re right. But you can change what you do in the now.”

Razz blinked a few times, seeming to snap out of whatever revire that he was in before fixing an annoyed gaze at Blue. “You’ve been watching too much cheesy anime.”

Blue gave a small laugh, shrugging a bit as he gave the other a lopsided grin. “Probably. But that doesn’t mean it’s any less true.” Razz sighed out of his nose, avoiding Blue’s gaze. He pressed on regardless. “And you don’t have to talk about anything now.” He took a few steps forward, small and slow, like he was dealing with a spooked surface beast. “Or, ever, really.” He stopped. There was a few feet of space between them, and Razz was eyeing him warily. “Just know that… I’m here. If you ever need me to talk.”

Razz scoffed, but his posture seemed less closed-off than before. “Why. So you can  _ change _ me? So you can make me a better person like  _ you? _ ”

Blue watched him calmly. “I can’t make you do anything.” He ignored Razz’s muttered “damn right you can’t” in favor of lifting his arm out slowly, extending it so that he could shake the other’s hand. “But I can be here to help if you ever decide to make that decision for yourself.”

Razz kept his arms crossed, looking at the proffered hand. He was watching it warily, like he was waiting for Blue to yank it away with some yell of a prank or for it to reach up to strike him. When nothing happened after a few moments he gave a quiet growl, a glare with no real venom behind it fixing on Blue’s gaze. “If I shake your damn hand will you leave me the fuck alone?”

Blue gave a patient smile, trying to make it as genuine as possible. “For now, I will. But I can’t make any promises about the future.”

Razz grumbled, scowling off to the side before he seemed to collect his nerves and snap his gaze back to the hand. “Fine!” He grabbed it roughly, giving it a harsh shake up and down before letting go like he had been burned. Blue pretended not to mind- even though, ouch, that really hurt his shoulder- and turned away, starting to walk back home so he could get started on breakfast before the others woke up. 

After he had walked quite a few steps away, he turned, smiling at Razz and giving a slight wave goodbye. It was reminiscent of the time not too long ago when he had performed a similar motion- Razz was looking at him almost the same way as last time too- only this time his motions were much more genuine. 

He had seen the crack in Razz’s facade, so it was only fair for him not to put up his own.

Talking was hard.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so listen i know that i said that i would try to be serious for this fic, but i found like a prompt/dialogue blog and i want every one of you to look me dead in the eye and tell me that [this](http://putthepromptsonpaper.tumblr.com/post/154698091541/it-used-to-be-so-easy-to-be-a-villain-now) isn’t Razz


	3. to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you both keep your feelings hidden in different ways  
> and it works most of the time  
> but in the end  
> you wear your heart on your sleeve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to CrushingOnSans for beta-ing the first.,.,.,. 75-ish% of this? pointing out a few spots where i mad fucked up yo and helping me fix them was very much appreciated. god bless.
> 
> also??? long chapter??? whoa???? i tried to cut it off but it just kept a-going so sorry/not sorry

 

Having so many people in one house was… interesting, at best. He knew that some of the bunnies in town had just as many, if not more, people living in each house, so it wasn’t too abnormal. Then again, Blue was fairly certain that most of the bunnies weren’t living with alternate versions of themselves and their only family. Things could get a little hectic with so many people with so many clashing personalities under one roof.

Not that he didn’t enjoy having them, of course! Blue genuinely enjoyed their company more often than not, but he did suppose that seeing them every day was a bit… excessive at times. His pantry and fridge weren’t really meant to support enough food for eight people with very different tastes, and there was no doubt that their two bedroom, one bath home wasn’t really enough space for everyone to be comfortable. Their couch was pull out, of course, but that was more of a temporary solution than anything considering that they would still have to alternate on who slept on the floor.

So it came as little surprise when Papyrus loudly announced to the group that he, Sans, Red, and Fell would all be moving out into another home in Snowdin. (Blue and Papyrus had talked it over, and decided that making the Fell-verse monsters all room together probably wasn't the best idea considering their lack of patience and penchant for violence. Hence the new rooming situation.) There wasn’t much in the way to move for them, but Blue did go to help them out in setting things in the house up. He could only be grateful that Alphys had let some of the others join the guard for sentry work, and that the monsters in his universe were kind enough to not question the fact that there were suddenly four times as many skeletons in the underground. It was nice at times, having them around, but after a while the novelty of it wore off and it just got to be exhausting for everyone involved, so it was great that they were able to make a living for themselves.

It was… tiring to get everything set up and fixed- they had gotten a house about the same size as his own, yes, but the reason they could afford it was because it required so much work to be put into it to make it move-in ready- but in the end it was worth it.

After two weeks of work, and about two months of having someone close enough to reach out and touch- honestly, there had been hardly any personal space for anyone!- their house was finally quiet. Stretch and Slim had both gone to Muffet’s, as they usually did on nights when they had no sentry work the next morning, leaving Blue alone.

Alone!

He would have laughed at the feeling of it if he weren’t so exhausted. As it was, he just gave a weak chuckle as he kicked off his boots, shuffling over to his couch to flop face-down onto it. He gave a muffled groan into the lumpy cushion. Jumping casually onto a couch that was practically stuffed with rocks was a poor decision on his part. It was hard to believe that Slim and Red had slept on it every night since they get here. Maybe he wasn’t as good of a host as he’d originally thought. Though, as hard as the couch was, he couldn’t bring himself get up, instead just staying prone in his uncomfortable limbo.

The front door opened and he turned his head to the side, trying to peer around the armrest. Were Stretch and Slim home already? Oh man, did they get kicked out again? The last thing he needed to deal with was more angry spiders that would try to steal his wallet. Even after craning his head, he still couldn’t see anything, and so he resigned to sit up with a huff, looking at the doorway. 

He was surprised to see Razz, shutting the door behind himself and looking at Blue in slight annoyance.

“And here I thought our brothers were the lazy ones.” He leaned against the doorway, and Blue briefly wondered if it was a compulsive habit for the other to lean against things when he was trying to act cool. What would happen if there wasn’t a wall behind him? Would he just fall over? The thought had him suppressing a smile.

He huffed, sticking out his tongue in response. “I don’t wanna hear anything from you, because you didn’t try to help out with the others moving in at all!” He laid back down and turned his face back into the lumpy cushion, muffling his voice. “I’m tired, and I want to enjoy having the house to myself for the first time in  _ forever. _ ”

He heard Razz snort, and he couldn’t  _ see _ the smirk on his face, but Blue could definitely tell that there was a smirk on his face. “And here I was, thinking that we could hang out and ‘talk’.” His tone was sarcastic, but Blue sat up quickly anyways, hurrying to the door and slipping on his boots.

“Sounds good to me! Where do you want to go?” He turned and smiled at Razz. He had no idea how much of his universe the other had seen outside of his creepy standing in the shadows, and he was excited at the notion of getting to show him around.

Razz looked at him in shock, the look quickly changing to a scowl. “I was joking.”

“I wasn’t!” He stood, placing both his hands on his hips and giving a wide smile. When Razz continued to glare at him, he sighed, looking off to the side. “If you’d rather stay here or go off alone and be boring, then I’d understand.”

Razz’s eye twitched. “I’m not boring.”

“M’kay.”

“I’m not!”

“Uh huh.”

“Fuck off!” Razz crossed his arms, sneer on his face as he looked off in the direction of the kitchen. Blue managed to hold back a laugh at his pout. He’d had his fun, and there was only so far he could prod before the other would reject any attempts at interaction in the first place.

“You really don’t have to if you don’t want to.” He gave a small smile. “I just want to hang out with you.”

Razz blinked. “You  _ want _ to-” He caught himself, whatever expression he was making sliding off his face in order to make room for his haughty grin. “Well of  _ course _ you want to hang out with me. I’m  _ me, _ for fucks sake.” He sighed, fixing Blue with a patronizing look. Surprisingly, he didn’t find it as grating as when the others did it. Then again, Razz was very obviously playing this part for his own benefit. “Fine. Since you’re so obviously obsessed with me, I can ‘hang out’ with you.” He used his hands to make air quotes, rolling his eyes. 

Blue laughed, opening the door and stepping out, waiting for Razz to follow. He’d learnt long ago that the other wouldn’t walk out of a room unless it was empty, or if everyone was unconscious. It was silly if he didn’t think too hard about it, so he never followed the thought past surface level. It was easier to pretend that the other’s pride kept him from letting anyone hold a door open for him.

Blue stepped forward and locked the door after the other exited. He used to never lock the door. After all, most of the people in town were trustworthy and kind! He also tended to lose his keys a lot, but that’s beside the point. But he’d seen how uncomfortable it made some of the others, so he locked it anyways, deciding that it was time for him to learn to keep better track of his keys. 

Unrelated note: picking a lock with a paper clip wasn’t as hard as it looked.

He put his keys in his pocket, turning and giving Razz a smile. The other just scoffed, raising an eyebrow. “How the fuck are you so cheery about everything?”

Blue just shrugged, starting to walk to where the Riverperson would wait with their boat. Razz followed him after he took a few steps, taking longer strides so that he was walking step-in-step with Blue. 

“Smiling is easier, sometimes.”

“But not all the time.” Razz had taken a few quick steps so that he was “leading” the two of them by a few inches, and Blue tried not to snicker at the motion. “Besides, you’re always fucking smiling.”

They stopped in the area where the Riverperson sat, crouched on the front of their boat and humming a haunting tune. Blue stepped into the boat and turned to Razz, sticking a hand out to help him in. The other gave it a scornful look before stepping in without any assistance. 

“Most people don’t pick the easy route all the time.”

Razz ignored him.

“Hotland, please.” The Riverperson dipped their head in acknowledgement of the request, standing up and propelling the boat swiftly through the waters. Blue pulled his phone out, sending Stretch a quick text, letting him know that he was going out so that he wouldn’t be worried about his whereabouts, before pocketing it again. He reached over the edge of the boat and dipped the tips of his fingers into the water, watching as they left a streak from where he disturbed the tension of the water.

He briefly switched his gaze over to Razz to see what the other’s reaction about all this was, but if he was bothered, then he didn’t show it. He was sitting stock straight on the bench as far away from Blue as he could, gaze stubbornly locked in front of him, scanning the area ahead. Blue couldn’t read his expression and looked away with a small sigh. He took his hand out of the water, leaning forward to look at his reflection. The boat caused ripples to distort his figure, and he honestly preferred it to looking at himself in a mirror. The lack of soundness of it was preferable, in that it made him seem fluid- boy, wouldn’t his brother be proud of that pun right there- like he wouldn’t be stuck looking like this forever.

The boat bumped against the side of the river, coming to a stop. Steam was rising from the water from the surrounding area, hanging low over the water and reaching out slowly over the ground. Blue stepped out of the boat after Razz, his movement disrupting some of the steam and leaving a trail of blank air behind him before it filled back in. He turned around to the Riverperson and thanked them. They dipped their hood again, humming as they turned the boat continued to ride through the area.

He heard a shuffle and looked over to see Razz crossing his arms. “Well? Where the fuck are we going?” His scowl deepened. Blue didn’t think that was possible, but he somehow found a way. “For fucks sake, if you’re trying to get me to go to the labs to watch anime and be experimented on then I  _ will _ fucking kill you.”

Blue held his hands up appeasingly. “Okay, whoa. I wouldn’t do something like that to you, Razz.” The other just grumbled. “I just… We’re similar in some aspects, and I just enjoy going to the Grillby’s in Hotland but… If I’ve overstepped some boundary then I don’t want to force you to do anything.” This was just like him, honestly, barging ahead into some idea or challenge without really thinking about the consequences of others, god he was so  _ selfish- _

“That sounds… acceptable.”

Blue blinked a few times, like it would somehow make the other’s words clearer. He wasn’t… Well,  Blue wasn’t expecting any answer at all, honestly, thinking the other would just stalk away as he usually would when he wanted to pretend that he wasn’t bothered by something. Razz stared back at him, scowl slowly getting deeper as the seconds ticked by. He seemed to have had enough after a few seconds, huffing and furrowing his brow in anger.

“As much as I love standing here just looking at you, if you don’t do or say something soon then I will fucking leave.”

Blue shook his head, giving a small grin, sheepish. “Sorry, I just…” Was surprised that you weren’t storming off in anger? Was shocked that you didn’t threaten me? 

Was thankful that you would decide to stay anyways?

None of these seemed to fit (not in a way that wouldn’t get him backhanded across the face), so he opted to leave the sentence fragment alone, clearing his throat and beginning to walk to the elevators. “Let’s get going, shall we?”

They walked past the lab. Razz had originally been on his right when they left the riverside, but scuttled over a few steps to his left as they passed it, giving a few cautious glances over at it, like he still didn’t fully believe Blue. He couldn’t blame the other, not really. Neither Slim nor Razz ever really talked about Swapfell, giving awkward glances off to the side and angry glares when asked about it, respectively. 

Red and Fell didn’t have nearly as many reservations- maybe the Swapfell brothers liked to play mysterious, or maybe the Underfell brothers were just gossips (Blue would go for both in part, honestly)- and from what he had gathered from their complaining, their royal scientist, Alphys, oddly enough, had a tendency for kidnapping smaller, weaker monsters to perform gruesome experiments on, pushing them to the brink of death before trying newer and more dangerous ways to revive them. Roles in Underswap and Undertale were fairly similar, so it would stand to reason that Underfell and Swapfell would be the same way. Blue didn’t want to think of the normally anxious water sprite as being something so  _ cruel _ and  _ merciless, _ but it made sense as to why the other was so wary around the building.

Even in his own, non-threatening universe, the heat-cracked concrete walls of the lab were ominous when viewed from afar, and were downright menacing when they were looming above you from only a few meters away. Razz seemed to relax once they were in the elevator, watching as Blue pressed one of the buttons to light up the floor he wished to travel to. The elevator was playing a faint instrumental version of one of Nabstabot’s hits, and he hummed along to the melody. It was one of his favorites, not too upbeat, but still catchy. He pretended not to notice how Razz’s foot tapped along to the beat of the song.

The elevator reached the top with a small ding, the doors sliding open smoothly as they stepped out and began walking to where Grillby’s was. As they got closer to the area, more and more scorch marks were showing on the ground before the floor became fully blackened and cracked, a soft orange glow emanating from underneath. The area surprisingly wasn’t as stifling hot as the rest of Hotlands despite the fact that heat rises, and Blue had often chalked it up to the flame elemental using magic to keep it away. He wouldn’t be able to make a profit if no one could survive the trip, after all.

A few smaller fire elementals scurried at their feet as they walked up to the small bar, pushing out two of the stools before they darted away, hopping over each other as their footprints left glowing orange dots in the floor behind them. It was quiet and more formal than Muffet’s bar/bakery combo, and he preferred it as such. Smelling sweets for too long gave him a headache, so- despite the fact that Muffet carried the exact same liquors- this was the place he more often frequented.

Blue sat, waving at Grillby as he came over. The elemental looked the two of them over before speaking in a crackling, silted voice.

*The usual?

Blue nodded with a small smile, tilting his head to the side to look at Razz. The other tapped his finger on the bar twice before ordering the same drink as Blue, and Grillby walked away to prepare them.

Razz huffed as he looked at the bottles that lined the back of the bar, the noise sounding harsh and slightly out of place in the quiet of the room. “Why is this shit so expensive?”

Blue shrugged. “Aesthetic?”

The other just grumbled, looking closer at the bottles. Then, “Wait, this is some of the exact same shit they sell at the spider bar.” He gave Blue a glance to the side. “Why the hell are we here if it costs so much more?”

Blue chuckled, looking off to the side sheepishly. “Well, it’s the same stuff because Muffet and Grillby have a sort of exchange system going on? Muffet buys her alcohol from him for a lot cheaper, and she’ll help his firelings get into Snowdin or Waterfall if they so need to.” 

Razz stopped looking at his gloves to give Blue a confused look. “They actually fucking work together?”

He seemed… shocked. Blue had no idea why. “Yes? Did they…  _ not _ in your universe?”

Razz scoffed, turning his head to look as a trail of firelings seated another customer, stacking on top of each other to reach the table and hand the newcomer a drink and grill menu before running off to continue work. “Fuck no. They were at each others’ throats constantly.” One of the elementals tripped while it was running, skidding and rolling over a bit before it came to a stop. It sat there for a few moments before it got back up and continued to scurry about. “Muffet’s always had singe marks in the snow outside her bar from where she had caught a fireling that ventured too close, and Grillby essentially decorated his place with the burnt husks of spiders he had roasted alive.”

Blue stared at him in horror, then tore his gaze away, finding the quiet-spoken elemental and looking at him in shock. As if his universe heard the conversation and was trying to impress them in a fit of irony, Grillby was slightly bent over, conversing with a small spider that was sitting on the counter. His head nodded and he lifted his gloved hand, sticking out his pinky. The spider lifted one of its own legs to touch it in semblance of a handshake before it walked away, hopping off the counter to return to the bakery. He moved his gaze away from the scene to see Razz looking at it with disinterest, hand still thumbing the edge of his glove.

“God, Razz, I’m… sorry.”

Razz turned his gaze to Blue, glaring at him. “I don’t want your fucking pity.” Blue looked away. He understood the sentiment. “I got used to it after a while, so it’s not a big deal. Don’t try to make it- to make  _ this _ ” he gestured between the two of them “into one.”

“I’m not trying to…” He took in a deep breath. Sighed. “I just wish I could help. That’s all.”

“There’s nothing to help. They did shitty things, I did shitty things.” He raised an eyebrow, lifting his hand in disinterest as he spoke. “My entire universe was filled with shitty people, and I’m included in all that.”

“...You were.”

“Excuse me?”

“You were included in all that. Past tense.” Blue shifted, taking the corner of his bandana into his hand to rub at. “You’re no longer in your universe, and you haven’t done anything really…  _ crappy _ while you’ve been here.” Razz scoffed, picking out his lie easily. “Not like that!” He shocked himself by raising his voice, but continued on anyways, the few monsters around the bar that were staring at them going back to their drinks after a few moments. “I mean… you haven’t really done anything like you  _ used  _ to, and I think that that counts for something.”

Razz stared at him for a few moments, and Blue stared right back. His face wasn’t really expressionless, per say, but Blue had never seen that look on him before. It quickly went away, and Blue cursed his inability to get a read on the other before he would put his walls back up.

“I’m not a good person.”

And what was he to say to that? Because in the end he really wasn’t, was he? A murderer, a thief, a liar, and Blue could deny it all he wanted for the other, but he  _ had _ done awful things in the past. Saying that he was a “good person” after all of  _ that  _ would make it seem like he was just saying whatever without thinking. So he kept silent.

Not everything needed a poetic response.

He shifted a bit on his stool, deciding to change the subject. It was clear the other didn’t want to talk about anything. “To answer your earlier question, we’re here instead of Muffet’s because… aesthetic?”

Razz gave him an annoyed look, but it was cut off when Grillby walked back up, setting two drinks down in front of them: margaritas, each with a slice of lime set over the rim. Blue took a sip of his with a satisfied hum, trying not to look annoyed as Razz rolled his eyes at his drink choice. 

“Just like you to get the frilliest, fruitiest drink.”

Blue huffed a bit. “Well, if you’d rather drink some bitter alcohol straight from the bottle, then be my guest. I’ll just sit here and enjoy my delicious, ‘frilly’ drink while you sip your bitter sadness in misery.”

Razz laughed. And it wasn’t like his spiteful chuckle or his maniacal laughter, but an honest to god  _ laugh, _ his eyes crinkled at the edges a bit as he looked off to the side, his entire countenance changing for just a moment before it switched off as quickly as it came. His expression was softer, though, as he lifted the drink to his mouth, taking a sip, and Blue smiled, taking a drink himself. He was relieved that the hard scowl from their topic earlier had disappeared.

And then he heard a drunken laugh from his other side and tensed, looking over to see one of the monsters that hung around the elevators a lot of times, often holding a mask in his hand and looking at it in deep thought, was slumped against the counter, dress disheveled with a trail of drool sliding down his chin. He lifted his head from where it was laying on the bar.

“Hey… Sans! What’re you doin’ in a place like this? Do ya know that that’s… that’s alc- alco- that’s a  _ drink? _ ”

Blue sighed. This happened almost every time that he came here, someone making some comment, trying to butt into his business. The monster gave a small chuckle, raising the hand holding his bottle so he could point a spindly finger at Blue as he drunkenly slurred. “Does… Does Papyrus know yer ‘ere?” 

God, why did this have to happen now of all times? “Uh… No, I didn’t tell him I was coming  _ here. _ ” 

He gave a loud snort. A bit of his drink sloshed out of the top of his glass, and a small fireling came over, breathing a small flame onto it so it evaporated, leaving the bar counter dry. “Ah! So yer sssneakin’ out, aren’cha?” The man dissolved into snickers at that, eyes crinkling as he leaned against the table in mirth. “Careful not tah get in trouble kid!” 

Blue gave a fake chuckle, looking off to the side. He was long past the point of trying to argue with others. He felt a shuffle to his side, and looked over to see Razz staring at the man darkly. He looked at Blue and the heavier anger was lifted off his face, but Blue could tell the other was still slightly ticked. “And why the fuck would he get in trouble?”

The drunken man blinked, seeming taken aback by the forward question. “Wha?”

Razz gave a low growl, narrowing his gaze on the other, despite Blue’s quiet whispers that it was fine. “He’s an adult, isn’t he?” Razz raised out of his seat a bit, and Blue looked around the bar anxiously, still trying to keep the other from making a scene. Though, part of him was tempted to let this play out. “He doesn’t need someone to make decisions for him, and he sure as hell doesn’t need some asshole like you thinking that he’s a fucking child that needs a babysitter!”

The monster blinked in shock a few times before he snickered, far too drunk to really understand what was going on. Razz lifted up to- well, Blue didn’t really know  _ what,  _ but he figured that he didn’t want to find out- and Blue stopped him, setting a hand on his shoulder. Razz glared at him, and then the monster, before setting back down, turning to his drink with a grumble.

The guy left not long after, stumbling towards the Nabstabot hotel, a few of the firelings following after him to assure he got there uninjured. Blue sat, staring at his drink and trying to ignore how closely Razz was watching him. If he didn’t acknowledge it, then he wouldn’t say anything, right?

“What the hell was that?” Dangit. “Why did you just sit there and-” He stopped, teeth clicking as he shut his mouth and clenched his jaw. Blue thought he was done speaking until Razz gave a heavy sigh, continuing? “You’re okay with them just  _ thinking _ that about you?”

The other sounded scandalized, and Blue sighed, lifting his drink and taking a sip. “It’s just… not worth arguing about. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Razz growled. “So people thinking that you’re a helpless child isn’t a ‘big deal’.” Blue didn’t answer. He took another drink, finishing off the glass before he waved for another one. Razz didn’t seem to like his silence. “So you’re fine with people thinking that you can’t take care of yourself? You know that you not saying anything back about it is only confirming their suspicions!” He frowned, stopping his speech for a few moments as Grillby brought over another drink and took the old one up, beginning to wipe it off with a rag as he moved to the other end of the bar. “Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole reason that you’re still in bullshit ‘training’ for the guard is because you’re seen as such a  _ kid  _ that no one will take you seriousl-”

Blue slammed his hand on the counter, cutting the other off. His drink jumped a bit on the table before landing again, spilling over the rim. After the firelings had recovered from their shock at the noise, they came and cleaned up the spill, Blue taking his drink and holding it in his hand to make room for them. Grillby gave him a warning look out of the corner of his eyes, but didn’t comment beyond that. 

“You don’t think that I  _ know  _ that?” Razz seemed taken aback by his anger, looking from him, to the bar counter, and then back nervously. “I’ve been working for a single ounce of respect for  _ years,  _ and-”

And I’m never going to get it. I’m never going to be seen as something other than a naive toddler.

I’m trying. I’m tired of trying.

He said none of these things, just sighing and setting his drink back down after taking another sip. “It’s not important. Don’t worry about it.”

Razz swallowed and he looked off to the side, both of them tense. Razz turned to him to tell him off, probably, the all-familiar determination and stubbornness there in his expression. Blue adjusted his grip on his drink, preparing for a barrage of insults.

“Listen, say what you will about all this ‘talking’ bullshit, but I’ll be damned if I sit here and bitch to you without you doing some bitching back. Trust is a two-way street, and I refuse to talk about my ‘issues’- the politically correct term, mind you- without at least listening to your own.”

Well, that was. Unexpected. “You… what?”

Razz scoffed, crossing his arms and looking to the side. “I’m not letting you hold shit over my head that I’ve told you without having some leverage myself.” Was that the case? “We came here to  _ talk, _ or whatever bullshit that you want to do, and dammit if we aren’t going to do so.”

Razz nodded his head decisively at that, crossing his arms and leaning against the bar, looking at Blue with spite. Blue stared at him for a few moments, blinking, before he began to chuckle. And then he started laughing, bent over slightly at the middle, setting his drink back on the bar counter so that he didn't risk spilling it. He managed to calm down, taking a deep breath in between his laughter. “Sorry, I just…” He wiped at his eyes, sitting straight up and facing the other. “That was some A+ therapy skill right there.”

Razz glanced away for a moment before he shifted back, facing the bar counter. His head was still slightly turned towards Blue. They made eye contact and then both looked away, Blue’s chuckles dying down until the only sound was the occasional tink of a glass being cleaned or set down on a table. 

Blue tried not to sigh as the silence went from uncomfortable to awkward. How many times had he mentioned talking to the other? And now they were alone, and he was just slowly getting more and more drunk, his glass being refilled once it was empty. And maybe it was the topic of conversation earlier, or maybe it was the fact that the buzz from his drink was giving him confidence that he wouldn’t have had otherwise, but he decided that he was going to talk to Razz now, consequences be damned.

Everything felt fuzzy and kind of slow, and there was a warmth in his chest that was spreading from his sternum to the rest of his body. He turned to fully face the other to find that he was being watched, Razz still nursing his first drink and watching Blue with a cautious eye. Blue gave him his best comforting smile. 

And maybe he had a bit too much to drink, because he thought he saw Razz give a twitch of a smile back.

“Ya know, I really did mean it when I said that I wanna help you!” He slurred.

The not-really-there smile on Razz’s face fell off as he glanced away. “You’re drunk.”

Blue gave an exaggerated sigh, leaning forward and grabbing one of Razz’s hands in his own before the other could pull away. Razz tensed, looking from Blue, to the grip on his hand, and then up to the door. Blue gave the hand in his clutches a reassuring pat with his free arm, and Razz relaxed the slightest bit, giving a cautious look down at Blue. No, no, not cautious. Worried. That was sweet. Razz was worried about him! Or about what he would do to him. Blue huffed, deciding to not let the other worry about what he’d do.

“I’m drunk, but I do mean it!” He smiled, pulling himself up so he was facing Razz. “I think that you can try!” The hand that he had still clutched in his own was limp and he brought it up between them, holding it in both of his own. He tried to put as much genuineness in his voice as possible, smiling and looking the other dead in the eyes. “I believe in you, Razz.”

There was no movement for a few seconds. Then Razz yanked his hand away like he was burned. Blue blinked slowly before looking around the area for a fireling or fire elemental who had gotten a little too close for comfort. Nothing came up, and he scratched his head, confused, before looking back up at Razz. He was shocked to see that the other was looking at him like he was the one who had hurt him. The look disappeared, turning into something tired.

Razz shook his head. “I’m taking you back to your house.”

Blue laughed as they stood, reaching forward to grab Razz’s hand again. He linked their fingers before the other could stop him. Razz grumbled, pulling a bag of coins out and tossing them on the bar with a muttered “keep the change” before he began to lead Blue back to the elevator.

They stepped inside and rode down in silence, Blue bobbing his head to the music. He couldn’t remember the lyrics in his drunken state. And then they were getting off of the Riverperson’s boat and stepping into snow. Blue kicked up some of the snowdrifts as they walked by. Razz huffed, trying to lead him faster.

They reached the door and Razz pulled out his set of keys, going to unlock it. Before he could, Blue grabbed his hand again and Razz swore, turning to glare at him. “What the hell is it with you and trying to hold my fucking hand!?”

Blue didn’t know. He just liked the feeling. Though he did have enough common sense to know that he would be mortified in the morning. But that wasn’t important now.

He took a step forward so that they were closer, looking at Razz with as much compassion as he was capable of mustering. “I really do mean it, Razz. I believe in you.”

And then Blue realized just how much his soul was projecting, compassion and caring and hope flooding off him in waves, and he had half a mind to be embarrassed, but the other half to see just how much it was affecting Razz.

He wasn’t defensive, or slumped, or stiff, or angry. He was just  _ there,  _ so entirely blank that Blue found himself wondering just how drunk he really was. Razz’s eyes drifted away from Blue’s own, coming down to where their hands were still joined. He used his other hand to gently pry off Blue’s grip, turning away and opening the door. 

“I know that you do.”

And that was that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like??? this is getting worse as i go on????? idk, it kinda doesnt make a whole lot of sense to me but then again ive read it over so many times that im going kinda blind from it


	4. try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the fight skelly thinks the fight lizard doesnt do a good enough job, blue tells his backstory, there's snow involved in most of it tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm rly feeling [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLYObm5xNy8&index=5&list=PLOneLFNrhikNzji9noGXylJZteR-JWxVH) song rn you guys, i legit listened to it on repeat while i was writing/editing this
> 
> (also i know its part of an artist playlist but please give my fav jon some love i just really love him you guys [read: i would let him fuck me up])
> 
> **kinda warnings for this chapter:**  
>  not caring about oneself's well-being/safety (idk if that counts as anything actually but it's better to be safe than sorry)

 

He doesn’t really remember what happened that night at Grillby’s. Oddly enough, he never really got hangovers after drinking- and thank heavens for that, because he’s had to tend to Stretch on more than one occasion when he woke up from a night at Muffet’s bar where he wasn’t cut off nearly soon enough- but he did black out. Of course, he knew that he had somehow convinced Razz to go with him, and that the other had supposedly stood up for him when someone was calling him childish. But other than that?

He had no idea.

So it was a shock when Razz had come up to him a few days later and started a conversation. It wasn’t anything major, just an off-handed mention of a new house he had seen that some of the bunnies were building, but heck if he had ever done anything of the like before. Honestly, Razz never even really spoke to him when they were all out tending their puzzles- and that was always a treat considering that Razz would  _ refuse _ any help from anyone and would only give an annoyed side-eye whenever someone asked for his assistance (Blue and Papyrus had gotten caught in their own trap and were let hanging upside down for a few hours after Razz had just rolled his eyes at their cries for help)- but here the other had come up to him just to  _ talk _ to him.

And yeah, Blue had gone on before about  _ talking, _ but thus far he had initiated every conversation that they had, from small, one-sided discussions to their occasional more serious chat. Well. Almost every conversation, now.

And he wasn’t the only one who noticed how Razz would sometimes respond to his comments or questions. Granted, the answers could be a bit  _ rude _ at times, but they were still responses in the first place, and much more than anyone else had gotten for him before. Stretch had seemed shocked at the change in Razz, and had come up to Blue one time after supper once Slim had gone out back to smoke and Razz had gone to… do whatever Razz did whenever he wasn’t leaning nonchalantly against their wall.

Razz wasn’t some awful creature hell-bent on destroying everything in his path, despite what the mentioned would want you to think. And perhaps it was this fact, or maybe it was because he was tired of everyone trying to look out for him when he knew perfectly well what he was getting himself into, but he’d had enough. Blue didn’t mean to shut his brother down as harshly as he did given that he was only showing concern for his well-being, but… he could take care of himself.

Stretch had gone from shocked at his outburst, to angry, to sad, all within seconds of each other, and then came out the look of pity. God he  _ hated  _ it, but he really was just being concerned, regardless of how much (or how little) he actually understood and Blue had no right to take his anger out on his brother.

(Some part of him said that the concern was only hurting him, he being able to take care of himself and not needing to be treated as a child. The voice sounded suspiciously like Razz. He decided to ignore that fact.)

He would much rather Stretch be comfortable and find some kind of solace in babying him rather than be stressed all the time about his well-being. Then again, Blue tended to be a bit of a pushover. That was probably the whole reason why Razz had been able to grab him by the collar and drag him into the woods to begin with.

Blue rubbed the back of his neck, looking up and around at the trees in the area warily. It was dark out, the near-black trunks stretching up into the air until they suddenly cut off, green needles blocking out any view of the cavern and making it even harder to see, the blanket of needles covering what little light may have shown through otherwise. The entire area seemed blank and heavy, and the thick snow that coated the ground was doing nothing to help that fact.

He shuffled a bit in place, not really wanting to comment on the darkness for fear of being seen as weak or helpless- and man, he didn’t know why the other seeing him as pathetic, something that needed taking care of and watching over, bothered him so much, but it just  _ did- _ but not being able to see much outside of faint silhouettes and sharp, purple eyelights would make anyone uneasy. 

He shuffled a bit more as the stare continued to pin him down, looking down at the basic outline of his figure. “Not to be rude but… Why are we here?”

It was a few seconds before Razz responded. “I’m going to train you. The training you’re getting from the lizard bitch is absolute shit.”

Blue waited for him to continue, but gave him a confused look when he remained quiet. “Train me? What does that mean?”

More silence. Blue huffed. “Razz, it’s late, and I don’t want to-”

“You want people to take you seriously?” Blue scrunched his nasal ridge, opening his mouth before Razz continued speaking. “Don’t answer that. You obviously don’t care, but  _ I _ do, so you don’t get a say in the matter.”

A sharp crack filled the air, and a flat bone attack appeared in his hand. He took the attack, swinging it in an arc in front of himself like he was testing the weight, and Blue realized that it was a sword.

Oh god, he was serious.

Blue took a nervous half-step back, eyes moving around the area in worry. It’s not like he didn’t  _ want _ to train with Razz, it’s just that he never had before. He didn’t even think that Razz had ever been a part of any of their training aside from the first time he had gone to Alphys’ with the other three guardsmen-in-training. Even then, as soon as Razz had gotten there and seen what Alphys constituted as “training”- which mostly just consisted of them throwing a few half-hearted attacks back and forth at each other and Blue trying to teach her to cook and make sure that she didn’t burn her house down  _ again- _ he had scoffed and left to go outside and spar with the training dummy. After that he didn’t even bother to respond to their queries of training, opting on not going with them at all.

“Well, it’s kinda late, so it’s pretty hard to see…” The excuse sounded weak even to himself, but it made enough sense that he had to accept it on  _ some _ level. Right?

Razz just scoffed before he closed his eyes, eyelights disappearing before they came back, translucent purple magic drifting up from both of them. He took his free hand and closed it into a fist, lifting it up in the air.

More sharp crackles of magic came from around the area and Blue jumped in shock, turning to see orbs of magic energy floating in a ring around them. They gave off a purple-ish glow, bathing the area in the cool light to where the visibility was up.

“There. Now you can see.”

Blue sighed. Guess he wasn’t getting out of this. He formed an attack of his own, shifting it back and forth in his hands. His was more of a club than anything, rounded at the ends like most of his attacks so it wouldn’t cause any lasting damage. He rolled his shoulders a bit. “So, are we just going to-”

He yelped as Razz shot forward, bringing his attack up to clash with the sword in a block, the sound of the bones hitting each other clacking loudly in the night. Razz brought his sword back from a different angle, and then again, and again, Blue blocking each one of them. He jumped back after a bit, the sword still held defensively in front of him, gaze unwaveringly on Blue.

Blue’s grip on the bone was tight, and he gulped nervously as he looked at where he had blocked the attacks. Chips were in the bone from the force of the swing, and a hairline fracture traveled from one of the chips across the width of the bone. Blue pumped magic into the construct to repair it, and the chips went away. That sword was sharp.

Very sharp.

“Uh, Razz? I don’t think that this is the best idEA!” He ended with a shout as Razz lunged at him again, swinging the sword in a hard arc from his side. 

The other growled as he blocked it, jumping back to avoid the next few swings. “Just fight back, dammit!”

Blue jumped back again, the sword coming down in an arc to stab into the snow where he had just been. “No! I don’t want to hurt you!”

And boy, was  _ that _ the wrong thing to say if Razz’s growl was anything to go by. The other lunged at him, sword forgotten, and Blue barely had the mind to drop his own construct so that it wouldn’t hit him before Razz tackled him, the two of them flying back and tumbling through the snow. Blue felt a hand reach up to grab around his throat and panicked, his own fist flying up and catching the other on the side of the face, dazing him, before bringing his legs under himself and kicking him off, sending him flying back a few feet.

He stumbled getting up, dashing to the snow where he had dropped his weapon, turning around in time to see Razz having grabbing his sword, eyelight sparking as he ran towards him again. “You  _ should _ want to hurt me, for fucks sake!”

A swing. A clash. The lights in the circle surrounding them flickered. “Why would I want to do that?!”

“Because  _ I _ want you to!”

Blue stood in shock for a few moments, almost messing up his next block. He barely brought his bone construct up to keep the swipe from catching himself in the side. His weakened grip couldn’t keep hold on his club and it went flying out of his hand, hitting the bottom of a tree trunk with a loud thump. His head turned the slightest bit to look at it, but the motion was stopped by the feeling of a blade pressing at the junction of his neck, lifting his chin up.

He swallowed, the construct disappearing now that it was no longer connected to his magic, hands coming up to lift in surrender. Razz scowled, pulling his sword away and stalking away a few steps with a growl. Blue let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, one of his hands moving from its surrendered position to rub at his throat. There was a sharp crackle of magic as Razz dispersed his attack, one of his hands coming up to claw at the side of his head in frustration.

Blue opened his mouth to say something, anything, but realized that he couldn’t quite find his voice. He was stuck, staring at the snow on the ground that had been kicked up and the deep gouges in the trees surrounding them and at the scarred skeleton standing in the midst of it all, dwarfed by the picturesque chaos. 

A few of the lights that Razz had made fizzled out, the darkness reaching in further now that the purple-tinted light had vanished. The remaining lights glinted over the area ominously, throwing shadows against the disturbed snow.

“You… what?” Why did that bother him so much?

Razz looked away, glaring at the ground. He didn’t seem to want to respond to Blue’s broken question.

“Why would you...” He didn’t know what to say. He really didn’t. Why was he so  _ upset _ about this?

“I don’t know.” He was quiet.

“How could you not know?”

Razz didn’t say anything. Another one of the lights fizzled out with a hiss. Blue tried to ignore the slight pressure of tears at his eyes- only  _ kids _ cry, Blue, keep it together- as he too looked away, fixing his gaze on the large gash in one of the tree trunks, sap slowly oozing out from the break. He… He didn’t know what to think, honestly. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, and he had no idea why the other would  _ want _ that, but-

“I’m sorry.”

It was quiet. Blue reached his hand up to rub at his arm. “It’s okay.” It kind of wasn’t. “Why?”

Razz gave a quiet growl. “I told you, I don’t  _ know.” _

All was still. Blue took a step forward, the final few lights that were illuminating the area flickering out. He could still make out the other’s position by his eyelights and he walked to him, feeling unjustifiably bold. He stopped a few feet from in front of Razz, just looking at him. It was quiet for a few moments, the silence thick and tense to the point where it was hard for him to even breathe, despite not really needing to.

“I’ve tried to be taken seriously before. It… never really worked out.” He had shocked Razz by speaking, and, though he wouldn’t admit it, he surprised himself as well. “Growing up as kids and raising Stretch wasn’t the easiest, even with as easy as our universe is compared to yours.” He sighed, chancing a glance up at Razz. He was watching him carefully, like he wasn’t entirely sure where he was going with this. 

In all honesty, Blue didn’t know what he was doing either.

“We managed, though, myself taking up odd jobs in between school and taking care of Stretch to make money to support ourselves. We got out of school, and Stretch went to go to college. I stayed home, still working multiple jobs so that I could help him pay for tuition. He did end up dropping out, starting in sentry work, and I decided to join him since the pay was better than most of what I was doing at the time.

“Stretch had gotten added to the guard as a sentry slash mechanic, having already made a name for himself from an internship at the labs. I had to go to Alphys in person to get her to even notice me, and she refused to let me in because of my HP.” He scratched the back of his head. “I’m, uh, pretty stubborn, though. I found a megaphone in the dump and I stood outside her house for three nights straight playing a siren until she caved in.

“I started doing sentry work after that, making puzzles in Snowdin and trying to take care of the town. It was pretty run down, considering that most people started moving to the capitol, but we got there eventually! Even then, since I still look like,” he used one of his arms to gesture at himself,  _ “this, _ people still don’t really… Combine that with my morals, and it’s not really a surprise that everyone thinks I’m a kid.” He sighed.

“Alphys started ‘training’ me, but I’m not as oblivious as everyone thinks. I think that, at one point, she actually was considering giving me actual guard training, but… I think that Papy may have convinced her otherwise, getting her to just keep me as a sentry. It… hurts that they won’t let me even  _ try _ to prove myself, but in the end, all I can really do is my best at what I’ve been given and hope that they eventually see otherwise.”

His hand came up and he rubbed at the fabric of his bandana. “Sometimes, I wonder why I even try, considering I’ve made little to no ground in years, but… There’s only so much I can do.”

A few flakes of snow drifted down sparingly, and Blue looked over to the edge of the treeline to see the soft flakes drifting down slowly. It was snowing, but the branches above them kept them isolated from the downfall. He looked up to see that Razz was looking through the treeline too, watching the snow. He looked calm, and Blue felt something in his soul warm at the appearence before it went away.

He cleared his throat, drawing Razz’s attention. “Well?”

Razz blinked, looking at him before glancing away. His gaze came back and Blue struggled not to laugh at the confused expression on his face. Keep it together, Blue. Your time is coming soon. “‘Well’ what?”

“Well, that’s how this emotion stuff is supposed to work. I tell you something, and then you do the same!” He winked.

Razz dropped into an annoyed glower, crossing his arms. “Oh, go fuck yourself.”

Blue laughed, not missing the small twitch upward at the corner of Razz’s mouth. This was nice, more relaxed, and maybe he should be a bit concerned how they could go from fighting to  _ this, _ but he’d rather not open up that particular can of worms at the moment. This was easier right now, and it was good to let some of the tension drain from the air.

He smiled at Razz. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I’m not going to make you do anything.”

Razz sighed, rolling his eyes. “Fair’s fair. I do think that you should want to hurt me because I’m a shitty person.”

“That’s entirely disproportionate considering that you’ve already said as such multiple times and I talked for a good five minutes.”

“Fuck you, you said that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to so that’s all you’re getting.” Blue huffed at his own words being turned against him- then again, he  _ did _ just do the almost exact same thing to Razz a few seconds ago, so he couldn’t really complain too much- but didn’t press anyways. Progress was progress, he supposed.

“Well, what you think of yourself and what other people think of you aren’t always the same thing. You won’t always be a bad person.” He made his smile as genuine as possible, trying to show just how much he really did care. It was odd how easy it was to project his positive emotions, but he just chalked that up to having been so emotionally charged earlier. “I believe in you, Razz.”

Razz just huffed. “Yeah, I fucking know, you’ve said as much at least a dozen times.”

Blue gave a small chuckle. “I do mean it, though.”

Razz just waved his hand with a sigh.”I’ve heard that a dozen times too.” Blue wanted to question it, but decided against doing so, just giving another laugh and winking. Razz scoffed, looking away, a slight purple tint to his face, likely from the scuffle earlier. Blue couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed it before.

Blue shook his head, clearing the thoughts, and looked down at his wrist, pulling his glove aside so that he could kind of see his watch. He squinted in the dim light before clicking his tongue in frustration. From what he could make out from the hands, it was very, very late. And he had morning sentry duty tomorrow! He huffed a breath out of his nose before he looked back up to see Razz watching his movements closely, more likely than not wondering what he was doing with his hands. Blue gave him a sheepish grin. “It’s, uh, really late. We should probably head back, now.”

He turned, starting to walk away, but stopped in shock when he felt a hand grab his own. Turning back, he looked to see Razz grasping his hand, glaring furiously at the ground. The flush was still there, and Blue managed to hold his tongue last minute, deciding against commenting on it. Razz’s jaw worked a bit before he sighed, looking up at Blue briefly before going to glare back at the snow. 

“What you said about what other’s thinking of you being different than what you think of yourself… That cheesy bullshit applies to you too.” Blue just stared at him, blinking in shock. Razz didn’t wait for a response though, taking another deep breath before he continued. “I think that… you’re stronger than you know. And... and fuck your brother, and Alphys, and anyone else if they can’t see that.”

Blue continued to stare until Razz looked up, face twisted into something stubborn and spiteful, but still holding an edge of softness to it that made him seem sincere. Blue gave him a smile, moving his hand so that he was holding the one that was grasping his own and giving it a small squeeze. “...Thanks.”

Razz seemed to realized his current position and looked away, yanking his hand out of Blue’s grip as he stalked back towards Snowdin. “Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Let’s just get back. I may have trained myself to be able to function on less sleep, but you’re nowhere near as dedicated, so it’s best we get going.”

Blue watched him walk away before looking down at the hand he had grabbed, loosely opening and closing it as he tried to remember what holding the other’s hand was like. The motion seemed familiar, but he had no idea why, and so he simply put his hands in his pockets, following the confident footsteps in the snow back to his home. His hand felt warm, and he found himself giving a small smile at the sensation.

Things were getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoooo boy, guess who's excited about the next chapter? ;3


	5. for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why can't you seem to work this out? 
> 
> why did you have to catch this emotion?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoitiIbdeaM) song really suits this chapter
> 
> **warnings:**  
>  brief and non-graphic mention of self-harm, ollie makes drugs sound kinda cool when they're really not so dont do them

 

Things hadn’t been getting better.

And maybe it was a bit too soon for him to say that, and maybe he just hadn’t been patient enough, but a voice in the back of his head kept nagging at him, telling him that Razz wasn’t trying at all. And he knew it was wrong! He did! But the voice just kept coming back again and again, and after a while it became hard to ignore. Blaming all this on some unforeseen voice was immature, though, acting as if the thoughts were anything but his own insecurities. It was easier than acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, he had been wrong about Razz this whole time.

And God, it  _ hurt, _ it really did, hurt in ways that he never really thought of before when he tried to ignore it because…

He wasn’t making any sense, not even to himself. Though, things had stopped making sense these past few weeks when he started wanting to be around Razz for reasons other than just training and talking, wanting to be close to him and wanting to see him smile and hear him laugh- and not his sick smirk or twisted cackle but as actual honest to god  _ laugh- _ and he realized that he may have a bit of a problem.

It was awful in all the worst ways because now Blue was left questioning every action that the other made, and his own thoughts towards it. Did Razz actually smile at something that happened, or was it just Blue’s infatuation making him see something other than a harsh smirk? Did the other actually care about Blue, or was he just being  _ used _ for some kind of plan or the like without himself knowing it? This uncertainty that had started plaguing him was awful, especially since he couldn’t shake it, much less his little crush.

He must have looked a lot more miserable than he thought since the Rock family stopped him as he walked past, inviting him in for a cup of tea to calm him. They probably just pitied him, seeing him so down as opposed to his usual cheery persona, but the gesture lifted his spirits a bit regardless. He sipped the tea slowly, laughing along with the kids as they talked about their adventures that they went on that day when they were outside playing.

It was dark out when he left, and as he turned the corner to go home he saw that the lights were on in the living room and kitchen. He didn’t feel like dealing with chiding from his brother about the current hour, so instead he walked around to the back, intending to sneak in through the kitchen. Those lights were on too, and he slowed as he walked past the window, looking into the house.

He could see that the stove was on, and there was a pan sitting on top of it. He almost let out a loud groan at the sight, thinking that maybe Stretch had left it on, when he stopped mid-step. Razz had walked into view, going up to the pan and looking into it, grabbing it by the handle and giving a shake before he nodded with satisfaction. He watched as the other moved out of view of the window, taking a few steps back himself so as to be less visible. He had just… He’d never seen the other cook before, or do anything that wasn’t fighting or making traps, and for some reason the fact that he could apparently do something that wasn’t violent was a shocker to him.

As he backed up, he bumped into something solid, and he was confused for a split second- there aren’t any trees this close to our house?- before he looked over his shoulder to see Slim, hood pulled up over his head and a lit cigarette held between his teeth. Blue jumped off to the side, looking at the ground and trying to find some excuse, but came up with none.

Slim chuckled lightly, and Blue looked over at him in slight embarrassment, knowing that he had been caught staring. The other didn’t say anything though, just looked into the kitchen window silently, cigarette smoke wafting up from his sockets as he took a deep drag. Blue frowned at the action, but he knew that he shouldn’t really say anything. Slim wasn’t smoking in the house, after all, being one of the more respectful of their guests. 

(Stretch, Red, and Sans all thought they were clever, shutting the door to his brother’s bedroom and clicking the lock, like he couldn’t see the tendrils of smoke snaking out from under the door, colored by lights that were on. Like he couldn’t smell the acrid smoke that soiled the air in a wide perimeter around the door.

He had stopped making comments on the smoking habits, though. He understood why they continued to light up one, after the other, after the other, chain smoking until there was a huge pile of ash and used butts that Blue would have to clean up later. 

It was a way to cope. 

Watching how Slim would walk out into the cold and lean against a tree, reaching into one of the pockets on his jacket as he anxiously pulled his hood up, fumbling with the lighter before it struck and held, his entire posture relaxing as he got a first breathful of smoke, seeing the way that Sans would walk about with a tighter grin that would relax after a few butts had sizzled out in the snow, noticing the on-guard posture of Red until he let smoke drift out between his teeth and lolled his head back to stare at the roof of the cavern,  _ finally _ seeing how the empty void in his brother’s sockets would go away for a while after a few more scorch marks were left in the trunks of the trees behind their house. And god if Blue understood why they would take up such an unhealthy habit, but he really had no right to take something like  _ that _ away from them, did he?

It was awful for their health and, personally, disgusting to witness, but he supposed it was better than dragging them through a snowstorm as they slurred out broken sentences, half of it unrecognizable and the other half painful to listen to.

He left them to it.

It was far better than the few glimpses of chipped ulnas and scratched femurs that he had seen.)

There was another sigh from beside him, and Blue looked over to see Slim, his head tilted back as he expelled the smoke into the air. There would always be clouds of breath in air outside Snowdin, and the night that they were given made the clouds look even darker, but the smoke from the cigarette made it far more visible. It twisted and curled as it traveled through the air, and it was beautiful, in a twisted sense.

“It’s been awhile since I’ve seen him like this.” Slim’s voice was always so quiet, but in the still night air it seemed to carry just as far as one of Fell’s shouts. He brought the cig up to his mouth, taking another drag, eyes closing as he pushed the air back out and flicked the butt into the snow. The hot ash was put out with a quiet hiss. He straightened, hands going to sling into his pockets, the hood framing his face falling down.

Blue watched his slow, almost sleepy movement before bringing his gaze back to the window. The bright light from the kitchen made the scene clear, Razz standing in front of the stove and stirring a pan of- something. The sound of one of Napstabot’s hits was coming through the radio Blue had found in the dump and set proudly beside their sink, and Blue could just make out the other bobbing his head to the beat of the tune. “Seen him like what?”

Slim hummed again, watching the scene with an air of melancholy. “Like  _ this. _ Relaxed and calm and…” He trailed off, tilting his head to look down at Blue. “Happy.”

Blue blinked a few times, looking back into the kitchen. Razz had his face turned down into a scowl, as usual, and aside from his head bobbing, his posture didn’t seem any different. “I’m not sure that I…”

Slim gave a breathy laugh. “I guess you wouldn’t. It’s hard to see if you didn’t grow up in a similar situation.” Blue looked back at him as he sighed. “He’s listening to music, and his magic isn’t ready for a fight, and he’s not even paying attention to what’s around him. Hell, we’ve been out here chatting it up and he hasn’t even noticed.” They hadn’t said much, nor had they been talking for that long, but Blue decided not to say anything. “He’s  _ singing _ for fucks sake.”

Blue hadn’t noticed it before, but Slim pointing it out made him listen closer to find that the other was right. The music itself was barely audible, but as the chorus came on, beside it could be heard a scratchy voice, the song coming from it silted and unsure, like he didn’t sing often- according to Slim, that much was true- but still undeniably  _ there _ , and the realization of it made him pause in thought.

And then he felt a guilt weighing so heavy on his soul that it caused him to flinch, looking away from the window and down to the ground. His eyes found the discarded cig and he stared at it, not wanting to look up. He had been worried, he hadn’t understood  _ anything _ that was happening, and it made him sick to think that he had promised understanding to the other when he was continuously breaking it. God, Blue was so disappointed in the fact that Razz wasn’t moving as quickly as  _ he _ wanted him to that he failed to see just how much change had really happened.

He had wanted immediate changes overnight, disheartened by the way that Razz would be tense in a room full of people, or the way that he was goaded to violence so easily. Looking back, he could see how far he had come, just how much progress he had made. When was the last time Razz had attacked someone outside of training? In training, when was the last time he had taken it too far just because he wanted to see someone hurt? He would still growl and prickle up whenever he felt threatened, but god, had he lashed out at any point if he didn’t feel it was necessary?

Here Blue was, trying to  _ help, _ and all he was doing was just making situations worse and downplaying what progress actually had been made. He crossed his arms in front of himself, clinging tightly to his elbows as the guilt continued to wash over him. He’d always been an easy book to read, and this was proven by Slim setting a gentle arm on his shoulder. He gave a few small pats before pulling the hand away, putting it in his pocket and shifting uncomfortably. It was both funny and sad at how poorly the Fell-verse monsters were at emotional comfort.

“...I don’t think you should take it out on yourself too hard.” Blue tilted his head, looking back up at the taller. He had a cig in his hand, staring at the roll intently as he twirled it between his fingers and then placed the end between his teeth, chewing on it. “Regardless of what you’ve done wrong, or what you think you’ve done wrong, a lot of  _ this, _ ” his hand came up to gesture lightly at the scene still going on through the window. Blue could see a soft smile on Razz’s face, and felt a twitch at the corner of his own mouth at the sight. “Is because of you pushing him in the first place.”

Blue waited in the silence for a bit. A few snowflakes began to drift down from the cavern ceiling. “It was mostly him. He wanted to get away from-” a hand gesture of his own, the motion far easier than having to say what was on his mind. “I just wanted to help in any way that I could.”

There was more silence, and Blue looked over, thinking that maybe Slim had teleported away, only to meet slightly hazy, dark orange eyelights. They moved from the scene in the kitchen, then back to Blue. Slim tilted his head the slightest bit to the side. “You love him.”

Blue tensed, eyes darting to Slim as he blinked in shock. How did he- “I… don’t know what you’re talking about.” There was amusement in the other’s gaze, Blue doing his best to pointedly ignore the slight grin on the other’s features. After a few embarrassing moments he gave a soft sigh, glancing up at the lit window and then over to Slim. 

“Is it really that obvious?”

Slim hummed around the cig, eyes half-lidded as he gave a small shrug. “My brother can be pretty oblivious at times. I doubt that he’s figured it out yet.”

Blue did the skeletal equivalent of pursing his lips, teeth shifting in place as he stared at the window in thought. “Do you think that he…?” His question went unanswered, and he turned in confusion to the side, only to see that Slim had already vanished, the smoking butt of his cigarette sticking out of the fresh snow.

Blue stared at it for a few moments before sighing, reaching over with his boot to step on the hots, hearing them fizzle out in the snow. He stayed that way for a few moments, foot placed in front of him, looking down at his boots with a creased brow, before he took in a deep breath, walking up to the door. He made his footsteps slightly louder than they needed to be, stomping a few times on the back porch step for good measure- and to shake off any excess snow that still clung to his shoes- before he opened the door, the warmth of the house and smell of cooking food relaxing him from the slightly tense conversation he had earlier.

For a few moments, he could pretend that nothing was wrong. And then he looked up and over to see a piercing purple gaze. Razz’s permanent frown softened at seeing him, turning into something that was almost an uncertain smile, the expression being new to him. And then the almost-smile was gone, Razz raising an eyebrow as Blue continued to stand and stare. 

He scoffed, but there was no real malice behind it. “What? You were taking so long to get back from your rounds that I assumed you’d gotten into a conversation with one of the bunnies in town.” He rolled his eyes. “I know from personal experience that you can talk for hours, so I decided that making dinner would be a much better use of my time than waiting around for you to get home.”

‘Home.’ Their home. The casualness of the statement wasn’t lost on Blue. It did nothing to help with his earlier line of thought.

Razz frowned, not in anger, but concern- and the fact that Blue could distinguish between those as well wasn’t lost on him either, and god he could practically feel his soul pounding into his throat- eyes searching over his frame. “Is something…” His jaw worked a bit, trying to come up with the words. “Wrong?”

He sounded hesitant to say it, and his eyes darted around the area like he was afraid someone would hear him expressing concern for someone, but he wasn’t afraid that  _ Blue _ would hear. He couldn’t really think. Couldn’t really move. He was pinned by the other’s eyes and the fact that he cared more about Blue’s well-being than being seen as weak by anyone.

_ “Listen, say what you will about all this ‘talking’ bullshit, but I’ll be damned if I sit here and bitch to you without you doing some bitching back. Trust is a two-way street, and I refuse to talk about my ‘issues’- the politically correct term, mind you- without at least listening to your own.” _

“Blue?”

_ “I think that… you’re stronger than you know. And... and fuck your brother, and Alphys, and anyone else if they can’t see that.” _

He shook his head, giving a shaky smile that probably wasn’t as convincing as he hoped. “I’m fine. Just tired, is all.”

Razz didn’t seem to believe him, but didn’t comment, just giving him a suspicious glance before he turned back around. “I’m making fajitas. You had all the ingredients, so I made the decision myself.” 

“That sounds good.” His voice sounded weak even to himself, and he winced at the obvious distress in it. It was no real shock when Razz gave a loud huff, reaching forward and clicking the stove off before moving the pan off the burner, turning to look at Blue expectantly. There was a bit of juice from one of the vegetables he had chopped on his cheek, and Blue resisted the urge to reach forward and wipe it off.

“There’s obviously something bothering you. You haven’t pulled anything cheery since you came in the door, and…” He waved an arm, rolling his eyes as he looked off to the side. “You’re making the face again.”

Blue chuckled nervously. “You, uh, keep talking about some face that I’m making, but I’m still not sure what you mean.”

Razz turned the annoyed gaze back on him. “You’re trying to change the subject.”

“No I’m not.” Yes he was. It wasn’t really working as well as he hoped it would. Razz didn’t respond, raising an eyebrow as he continued to hold his gaze. Blue shifted a bit, guilt from earlier still sitting heavy on his neck, as he sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Razz scoffed. “For what? Being a pussy?”

Blue twisted his mouth to the side, sending his own annoyed look up to meet Razz’s teasing one. The other looked overly proud of himself at the light jab. Then again, he was almost always overly proud of himself. He sighed out his nose as he looked off to the side. “For not being a very good friend.”

Blue thought about giving his own smug look at the confusion on Razz’s face, but figured that it would ruin the current mood, so he decided against it. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

He reached a hand up and rubbed at his upper arm. “I mean…” He stopped the motion of his hand, flicking his gaze up to Razz before going back to staring at the floor. “You’ve come really far and tried really hard, and… I haven’t really supported you through much of it.”

He chanced a glance up and was suddenly glad he didn’t pull a smirk when Razz had been confused, because the long-suffering look on his face made Blue blink in confusion as well. He seemed almost… annoyed? “For not being sorry about being a pussy, you sure are acting like one right now.”

What. “What?”

Razz sighed, rolling his eyes. “I don’t need you to fucking baby me and encourage me all the time.” He crossed his arms in front of himself. “I handled myself for years without your help, and I certainly can do so now.”

Blue shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “No, it’s not like-”

Razz lifted up his hand, cutting off whatever words Blue was intending to say next. Blue shut his mouth, watching as the other shifted back and forth in discomfort. “It’s… You’ve helped. Even if you think that you haven’t, or that you haven’t been the best. So.” He looked off to the side. “Shut the fuck up.”

Blue tried not to snicker, he really, really did, but he just couldn’t help the giggles that snuck through his mouth. Then, looking up at the annoyed look on the other’s face, his giggles turned into full-blown laughs, hand coming up to his teeth to try and muffle the sounds. He managed to calm down enough to speak. “Sorry, I just, uh.” He gave another chuckle, cheeks hurting from his mirth. Blue wasn’t sure what to say, so he didn’t say anything, giving Razz a soft smile. The corner of the other’s mouth twitched up as he turned around, clicking the heat back on for the stove and continuing to cook.

Blue walked up and stood beside him. It was probably…  _ wrong _ that they could go from something fairly deep to simply finding comfort in being beside one another, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. He watched Razz move the assortment of vegetables and chicken around the pan, ingredients sizzling and filling the kitchen with a delicious scent. The other glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes. “I’m almost done. You can heat up the tortillas if you’d like.”

Blue pushed himself back from the stove, walking around to Razz’s other side to grab the pack of tortillas and crouched down to open a cabinet, pulling out a pan. As he stood and went back to one of the open heaters, he brushed against Razz, the accidental contact sparking something warm across his body. He shook his head. Not now, Blue.

He turned the heater onto its lowest setting, placing a few of the tortillas down in it to warm. Blue turned his head to watch as Razz turned the heat off of his own burner, taking the food and scraping it off onto a plate. Blue looked at it critically as he flipped the tortillas so they wouldn’t burn. “Is that going to be enough for all four of us?”

Razz gave him a confused look. “It’s Friday, Blue.”

Blue gave a quiet “oh,” looking off to the side. Every Friday, their brothers, Sans, and Red would all go to Muffet’s to eat dinner. Papyrus and Fell sometimes came over during this time, but they had decided to stay home themselves this week. So it was just the two of them. He gave a nervous chuckle, picking up the tortillas and putting them on a plate before throwing two more on to heat it up. He wasn’t sure how many they would both eat, but it was better to just have a surplus than anything.

“I’d forgotten. Sorry, I’m just… A little out of it today.”

Razz looked at him again. Not pity. Concern. He glanced away, finger tapping twice on the countertop before he picked up the plate, walking out of the kitchen and into the living room. Blue watched him go in confusion, leaning back from his place on the stove to try and peer from the kitchen. He couldn’t see much other than the plate sitting on the coffee table, but he could hear Razz shuffling around a bit. The TV clicked on.

“Razz?” Blue took the rest of the tortillas off of the heat, putting them aside on the plate and turning off the stove. He went to walk away, but paused before he grabbed the plate, following into the living room after Razz. He stopped in the doorway, blinking in shock. 

Razz was in front of the television flipping through the few channels that they had before clicking onto the Nabstabot special that was coming on that night. Razz had never bothered to express his disinterest for the show, claiming that it was too far away from his own taste in music and entertainment to enjoy. Blue knew the special was coming on, of course, since he was one of NTT’s biggest fans, after all! But he usually just recorded the specials to watch later. Razz noticed his staring and rolled his eyes, walking up and taking the plate out of Blue’s hands, walking to the coffee table and setting it down.

“Are you going to come over here, or do you just prefer cold food?”

Blue looked over the set up as he walked over. “Why are we-?”

“Just sit the fuck down, Blue.”

He did with a huff at the language, crossing his arms in indignation. A few seconds of pouting later and he was over it, waiting patiently as the intro cards flashed across the screen, along with the most recent musical hit. He scooped the ingredients into a tortilla, rolling it up before taking a bite. He gave Razz a thumbs up- talking with your mouth full was rude, plus he knew how much the other loved a compliment, even if he pretended not to care about what other people thought- trying to hold back a laugh at how the other’s grin became a bit more smug at his reaction.

The show started, and Blue enjoyed a few good minutes of quality screenplay before Razz’s snide comment. “How the fuck do you even watch this bullshit?” Blue just shrugged, hoping that if he ignored the other’s statement then he would simply stop there. It didn’t work at all. “He’s just singing about kicking someone’s ass if they don’t answer trivia right, but Undyne is in the background giving away all the answers! There’s no genuine thrill or excitement!”

Blue rolled his eyes, scooting his plate away. They’d had this conversation dozens of times before (granted, it involved a more violent stance on the other’s part, and this was the first time he had willingly sat down long enough beside Blue to actually watch a few minutes of it), so he really shouldn’t bother, since it ended the same almost every time. Though, there was something he enjoyed about their banter. He decided to indulge. “You know, not everything has to be gross gore-porn to be considered entertainment.”

Razz scoffed. “I’m aware of that fact! Things that  _ aren’t _ gore-porn are honestly preferred. But this-” he waved his hand at the screen, confetti pouring down from the ceiling of the stage along with a few CDs and records. “This is so bland that a fucking child could work their way through it.” Blue snorted out a laugh as the other continued. “I’m serious! ‘Action, Music, and Bloodshed’ my ass!”

Blue simply shrugged, grin on his face. “I enjoy it!”

A roll of the eyes. “Probably because you have the attention span of a three year old. Incapable of following complex plotlines filled with actual twists and turns, so instead you digest this  _ swill.” _

Blue laughed, winking at Razz’s disgusted face. “Oh, come on! You know you love me.”

And Razz tensed up in a way that Blue hadn’t seen for months, his entire body pulling taut like a bowstring ready to snap. Blue processed exactly what he had just said before he shut his mouth with a click, hand shooting up to cover his teeth. And then Razz relaxed, face sliding into apathetic indifference as he pushed himself up, pulling on the edges of his gloves- left, then right, then left again, despite the fact that his gloves were already perfectly straightened- before he walked away. “It’s getting late. I’m going to sleep.”

“Razz, I-”

“Goodnight.”

Blue shut his eyes, internally cursing himself even as the soft pad of footsteps slowly faded out. The TV seemed to blare in the crushing silence he now found himself in. On screen, the guy being asked the questions stuttered out the wrong answer, and NTT clucked their tongue before shaking their head in sadness.

“Oh man… You really messed things up, man!”

He really, really had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh im leaving the country next week on a trip for like 14 days so im gonna try to get the last chapter done before then wish me luck u guys


	6. you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the finale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feat. Slim as the Ultimate Shipper and sad tacos

Razz had been avoiding him, and the undeniable fact of his avoidance of Blue hurt more than he would care to admit. 

He didn’t… He  _ knew _ what he had done wrong- he was still beating himself up about it because god, how  _ stupid _ did you have to be to just go out and say…  _ that- _ but it was hard to apologize, or make up for it, or do  _ something _ when he couldn’t even find Razz to have a conversation with him. 

He wasn’t even being discreet about his avoidance either! Blue would walk into a room and Razz would immediately walk out, turning on his heel and going to the nearest exit. Blue had followed him a few times, but realized that Razz really wasn’t bluffing when he had stated, a few months back, that Blue couldn’t find him unless he  _ let _ the other find him. Which left him more frustrated than sad, honestly, considering that he would round a corner and the footprints would be gone, or all the snow in the area would be so overturned that he couldn’t see anything.

And even now, with the other taking every chance he got to avoid him, and with the genuine hurt that it was bringing him, he couldn’t seem to shroud his feelings.  _ The feelings, _ he reminded himself,  _ that got him into this whole mess in the first place. _

He shook his head, clearing the thoughts from his system with a heavy sigh. Trying to get his mind off of it wasn’t really working at all, and as he stirred the cooking meat in the pan on the stove, all he could think of is how much he wished Razz was here to criticize his form. He stopped stirring the meat, reaching forward and turning in onto a lower temperature as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. God, what was  _ wrong _ with him? Razz clearly didn’t want to be around him anymore, so he was just going to leave him alone, and he needed to get over it. He wasn’t going to let his feelings hurt the other any more than they already had.

The front door clicked open and Blue’s head shot up, leaning his body back from the stove so he could see who just walked in. He tried not to feel disappointed that it was just his brother. Stretch yawned as he shut the door behind him with his foot, the wood clicking into place. He tilted his head to the side, neck cracking with a loud pop, and Blue winced, leaning back forward to the stove to continue to stir the contents. A soft shuffle indicated his brother entering the kitchen, a wooden chair scraping across the tile, followed by the creak of furniture, let him know that Stretch had sat down.

He looked over his shoulder as he moved the pan off the heat, putting on a mitt to check on the taco shells in the stove. Stretch was leaning against his hand, elbow propped on the table as he looked around the area. “Hey bro.” A yawn, followed by a poorly-hidden suspicious glance around the room. “Is Razz here?”

Blue swallowed, turning away and pulling the shells out of the heat, setting them on the counter and turning off the oven. “No. He’s… out.”

He glanced back over his shoulder, fighting to keep his jaw from going tense at how Stretch visibly relaxed, arms folding down on the table as he set his head on top of them, eyes lidding sleepily. “Mmm. Good.”

Blue bristled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Stretch furrowed his brow at the tone, obviously not expecting him to react in anger. That somehow made Blue even angrier. “It means that he’s a shit person, Sans, and I don’t like you being around him.”

Blue fought the urge to puff out his cheeks like he normally did when angry. No doubt the action would just make him seem childish and only further his brother’s views. “Well, not  _ everyone _ is who you think they are, Papyrus.”

Stretch sat up, narrowing his eyes a bit. “I just don’t think it’s good for you to-”

“I’m not a kid!” Blue threw his hand up in the air, anger making the motion sharp and violent. “I’m an adult, and more than that,  _ I _ am  _ your _ older brother! I raised you, and I don’t need you thinking that I’m someone who needs to be taken care of!” The frustration that had been simmering for years began to bubble over. “I can make my own decisions!” He picked up the tray of shells, intending to move them onto a plate.

He heard the chair creak slightly as Stretch sat back, hands going into his pockets defensively. “Well, if it’s a stupid decision, then-”

Blue slammed the tray down on the counter, the sharp noise cutting the other off again mid-sentence. Blue himself was shocked at the action, but once the initial surprise wore off he remembered just how angry he was. He tapped his finger on the countertop once before he took in a deep breath. He didn’t feel like eating anymore, didn’t feel like having this conversation, so he simply muttered an apology before he walked out of the house.

His boots crunched loudly through the snow as he walked to the edge of the river, crouching on the side of the riverbank, watching as the werecat threw ice cubes into the water. He watched the frozen blocks bob up and down in the water as they moved, closing his eyes tightly and taking a deep breath, cold air swirling through his ribcage before he let it out slowly. It calmed him, a bit, but as soon as it did he almost wished that he was still angry, because now he felt twice the guilt from two different people he had upset. He groaned as he rubbed at his temples, opening his eyes to stare at the frigid waves.

Crunching footsteps came up from behind him and Blue sighed, looking over his shoulder expecting to see Stretch. He was only a little surprised to see Slim instead, the taller plopping down beside him, reaching up to his mouth and plucking out the toothpick there, flicking it off into the water. The strip of wood floated on the surface, drifting away as the current took it to follow the blocks of ice.

Slim hummed. “So.” Blue looked up at him in confusion. “Razz is in Waterfall.” He shrugged. “Just in case you wanted to know.”

Blue cast an annoyed glance to his side. “Good for him.” He shifted so that he was sitting on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest. Slim let out an amused huff, reaching into the pocket of his jacket and pulling out a pack of cigs. He put one in his mouth, chewing on the end of it. Neither of them said anything for a while, and Blue soon relaxed a bit, legs coming down to sit crossed, elbows resting on his knees and fingers interlocked over his boots.

Slim looked from him, to the path leading back to Snowdin, to the water. He raised an eyebrow as he took the unlit cigarette out of his mouth. “Well?”

Blue huffed. He’d hoped that the other would drop this. “I’m not just going to go up and talk to him! He doesn’t want to be around me because he hates me.” God, that hurt to say. “I’m just going to leave him alone.”

He looked back up, blinking in confusion at the annoyed look Slim was giving him. It felt almost chiding, and Blue felt himself bristle in defense. The taller sighed. “Wow. I guess Razz isn’t the only oblivious one.”

Blue frowned. “I’m not oblivious. I just refuse to let my feelings make me see something that isn’t there.” He wasn’t going to drag this false hope around by a thread, knowing that it would only end up hurting him in the long run.

Slim shrugged. “Whatever. I still ship it.” Blue glared at him. Slim had enough decency to at least look sheepish. “Shit, sorry. Bad timing?”

Blue stood, throwing his arms in the air with a huff. “Just-! Ugh! I don’t know!” He turned on his heel, stomping off into the forest and ignoring the chuckles following behind him. He reached the clearing of the path of Snowdin and paused for a split second before he walked in the direction of his house. As he walked past his house he slowed down before shaking his head, continuing his journey to Waterfall. There were a lot of things that he had messed up recently, but something told him that Stretch would do good to simmer in his words for the slightest moment longer.

Slim’s words came back to him as the crisp, white atmosphere changed to a calmer, dimmer indigo. Blue huffed, thinking over the differences in his words from a week ago and just moments before. How the other could go from deeply introspective to annoyingly talkative was beyond him. He furrowed his brow as he remembered the words. Was he really oblivious? Maybe Razz didn’t hate him because he had pressed some unknown button? The thought was far-fetched, but if it meant that somehow Blue could apologize…

He sighed, looking over one of his brother’s stations as he walked past it. Snow sat on the top of it from where he was too lazy to clean it off. The hope was small and hard to believe, but it was better than nothing. He lifted his gaze back up to the path in front of him, continuing his slow, heavy walk. His eyes trailed up to the ceiling as he ambled through. He looked over every crack in the wall, and every glowing patch of moss with a heavy blanket over his soul.

One good thing about this, he supposed, was that it had been a while since he had truly looked over and appreciated the world around him. In fact, the last time that he had looked his closely at anything that wasn’t about the surface or training must have been when he was a child.

Blue missed being younger, a lot of times. The world seemed so infinite and vast, the limit of his world being only what his mind imagined it to be. And god, had he imagined it all. Adventure around every turn, treks of bravery, tales of treasure- if there was any scenario in which he could place himself as the hero, he’d thought of it. For some reason, he had assumed that life would be like he always imagined it to be, that the confines of the mountain would never be able to hold him back.

In times like these, walking through sparingly lit caverns with his shoulders hunched and eyelights dim, feeling like the entire weight of the stone ceiling above him was held on his back, he realized just how foolish such thoughts were.

Blue stopped beside a puddle, hands hanging loosely at his sides, watching ripples move across his hazy reflection from the gentle drops of water falling from the “sky.” And then he thought of everything that he had been through, and all the things that had happened, and just how much he had changed in the past few short months. He stuck his foot out, tapping it on the edge of the puddle to make his own ripples fly across the surface. He wasn’t who he had wanted to be.

And the funny thing was, watching as the ripples calmed down and left the water smooth once more, he realized that he didn’t want to be the person that he’d wanted to be. He would never be the person that he wanted to be. 

He was the person that he needed to be.

And that was enough.

He rubbed his eyes before he kept walking, suddenly feeling less melancholy and more hopeful. He would find Razz, and apologize, and they would go back to being friends again. Distantly, some part of him wanted it to end with more than that, but he quickly shoved the thought down before it could surface any more than it already had. It wouldn’t be good to get too hopeful, now.

In the end, he would be fine with just being friends. Razz was… 

The whole reason he had fallen in the first place was because Razz treated him like an equal, because Razz didn’t look at him in some kind of twisted pity. And he wasn’t going to let something like  _ that _ go, even if he had caught feelings. Blue gave a small smile as he walked to the room of echoflowers. Yeah. That would be fine.

The area always had an odd echo when he entered (he was ignoring the pun that could be found there for obvious reasons), whispers overlapping one another until they matched with the distant rush of water. 

Finding Razz wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be, and Blue found himself both grateful and upset about that fact. He was glad that he didn’t have to search for him, but he still hadn’t worked out what to say. Razz was sitting in the same spot that he had been during their first fateful meeting. The other made eye contact with him but didn’t tense, didn’t run away like he had been doing. He just sighed, turning his head off to the side. His arms were folded loosely over his legs, bent at the knee.

Blue took a few steps towards the hiding spot, waiting for the other to run. When he didn’t, he held back a small grin, stepping over the flowers and sitting down beside him. Blue looked over, seeing Razz pointedly ignoring his gaze as he sat among echoflower buds, light blue stems peeking up through the ground. The glow from the flowers bathed him in a blue light, giving him an ethereal appearance. 

The other huffed at his continued gaze, shoulders hunching forward a bit. “I should have thought you would come sooner or later. You just can’t seem to keep your ass in your own business.” He looked over at Blue. “So why the hell are you here  _ this _ time?”

Blue shifted. May as well get it over with. “To apologize. For upsetting you.”

Razz blinked at him in shock a few times before he scoffed out a laugh. “You’re honestly fucking-” His hand came up to pinch at the bridge of his nose for a moment as he laughed again. The hand came down and he turned to glare at Blue, though there was no real venom behind it.

It seemed more tired than anything.

“Hope like yours is a fucking sickness, you know?” He laughed again before Blue could answer, and Blue found himself flinching at the noise. “And you don’t even know! You’re fucking clueless about it!”

Blue blinked a few times. “About what?”

Razz sneered, lifting his head up the slightest bit. “Why the hell do you think I’ve been avoiding you, you piece of shit?! It’s because you were  _ right!” _

Blue looked over his tense expression in confusion. What was he-?

_ “Oh, come on! You know you love me.” _

Oh.

...Oh.

“You…” Blue looked him over, watching how Razz tore his gaze away to stare pointedly at the flowers. A chorus of “you were right” continued to ring in his head, the flowers whispering the words to him over and over again, making sure that he wouldn’t- that he  _ couldn’t- _ forget.

Razz… _ loved _ him? “I-”

“Save it.” Razz cut him off.

Blue huffed. Just why was he in love with this guy, again? “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

Razz scoffed. “I don’t want to hear your stupid apologies about ‘not feeling the same’ and how we can ‘still be friends’ or some bullshit like that. The last thing I need is a patronizing attitude from you.”

Blue wrinkled his nose, sniffing. “Well, if you had let me finish, then you would have found that I would have said something along the lines of ‘I love you too.’” He crossed his arms, adding a word almost as an afterthought. “Jerk.”

His glance up at Razz showed him to be looking at him in shock and, maybe, something like joy? Both expressions were quickly wiped. Razz scowled. “Regardless, I’m not going to bother chasing after something that I don’t have a right to own.” There was sorrow laced in his voice, pain in his expression. “You deserve so much better than  _ me. _ So just. Don’t.”

And Blue felt something inside him snap in anger. His shoulders lifted up and he took in a breath, arms uncrossing to clench his fists at his sides. “And just who decided that?! You?! If there’s  _ anything _ that I’ve learned in the past months, it’s that I’m tired of letting other people decide what I’m going to be for me! And if I say you’re good enough for me, then- then dammit, I  _ mean _ it, and I’m the only one who gets to decide so for myself!” Razz blinked at him in shock. He wasn’t done yet. “And you know? Maybe you  _ don’t  _ deserve it. But the simple truth is that sometimes you get what you don’t deserve. In both a positive and negative way.”

Razz watched him with such an open pain that it caused his soul to clench. “How could you say that? How could you even  _ think _ that?” He gave a pitiful, broken laugh. “After everything I’ve… After who I used to  _ be.” _

“You’re not who you used to be. You’re better.”

Razz stared at him like he didn’t believe him, and Blue knew in that moment that he would wait as long as it took for Razz to find a truth in his words. Blue looked down at where their hands were setting beside each other, mere inches apart. He looked up at the other as he moved his hand forward, fingertips grazing the other’s glove. Razz turned his own gaze to their hands, looking between them and Blue, like he was waiting for him to yank his hand back, yelling about some kind of twisted prank or sick joke. When nothing happened, Razz lifted Blue’s hand into his own, holding it uncertainly. 

Blue smiled at him, finding that he didn't have to remind himself to make it genuine. “I love you, Razz.” The words felt better on his tongue than he would admit. “And I really do mean it.”

“I kn-” He hesitated, looking up at Blue with his eyelights wavering in their sockets. Something in his eyes hardened in resolve, and he felt the grip on his hand tighten. Razz lifted the hand up, bringing it to his mouth to kiss Blue’s palm. The gesture was intimate in a way that made Blue blush. “I mean it too.” Those eyes found his again. “More than you could ever know.” He could feel the vibrations on his hand from the other’s promised words, Razz’s eyes closing lightly as he pressed his face further into the palm. 

Blue realized just how much Razz must trust him to let his guard down while in such a public place.

He brought his other hand up to cup the other side of Razz’s face bringing them closer together. He felt a puff of air brush across his face as Razz exhaled, cracking an eye open. Blue smiled.

“More than I could know, huh? Try me.”

Teeth connected with his own with a soft click and Blue closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling and the way it sent sparks up and down his spine. Blue knew he would take as long as needed to find the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god! okay! i wrote this final chapter in like a day entirely on my phone so lmfao sorry if it sucks! i absolutely _loved_ writing this, and i hope you guys have enjoyed it, and that it wasn't too shitty along the way!
> 
> see y'all in like two weeks lol
> 
> a [thing](https://ollie-oxen-free.tumblr.com/post/163434698339/hey-u-guys) for y'all


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